Husband tells her to save her stories
Dear Carolyn: Last night I was trying to talk to my husband about something interesting – or so I thought – that had happened during my day. I caught him visibly zoning out, and to my utter chagrin he said he was having a hard time focusing on my story and that, furthermore, he often wonders why I have chosen him as my audience for certain things when a close girlfriend would be better.
After getting past my initial hurt, I started reflecting and have realized he’s right, since we’ve all started getting married I’ve slowly moved away from buddies and instead relied on him as my main source of conversation and companionship. I can’t remember the last time I talked on the phone to anyone, let alone meeting up.
But THEN it dawned on me maybe that’s exactly what marriage is, or is supposed to be.
Now I’m going in circles and not sure whether to revisit this with my husband. Am I wrong to rely on him as my most faithful listener, or should he try to be a better listener for me?
– Ouch
Ouch: Oh my goodness, please just call your friends.
There’s more to this, of course, but when there’s a solution just sitting there for you, take it.
As for the other stuff:
❚ Your husband’s response to you wasn’t as kind as it could have been (said the advice columnist in a monument to understatement), but it sounds like he did you a favor with his candor. Now get out and circulate.
❚ There is no “supposed to be.” There is what is. And your “is” tells you that relying on your marriage as your only source of conversation isn’t sustainable.
❚ Any plan that involves “or should he try” is a no. You wrote in, so presumably you’ve met my hobbyhorses? Here are two: Plans that involve changing someone else’s behavior are nonstarters (since you can only change your own), and the word “should” is the root of all disappointment. There’s what you can do, and there’s what you get. So, call your friends.
It might take some effort to revive your friendships if you’ve neglected them for a long time. You might need new ones. Either way, your marriage can be stronger for it.
Re: Ouch: This would not work for me. Sure, she should maintain friendships, but to me intimacy includes being able to talk about things and having my partner interested in me. I think it’s worth her considering whether her husband can meet what she needs out of a relationship.
– Anonymous
Anonymous: True.
I didn’t mean for her friends to replace marital intimacy, though, but instead give her room to restore it. I saw the husband as possibly, even likely, overwhelmed by being her entire social life. Her circulating more could take the pressure off him.
Re: Ouch: I also think there are plenty of conversations that do not rise to the level of intimacy. If “Ouch” is wanting to talk to her husband for more than 30 seconds about how Rachel at work has a new haircut but then Becky decided that she might look better with bangs … and ugh! That’s where other outlets can come in handy.