Mom wants wedding to be her way
Adapted from an online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn: I am recently engaged. My future mother-in-law is contributing some money to help us pay and is insistent that we have our wedding in my fiancee’s hometown. My fiancee and I live in the D.C. area and would much prefer to have our wedding here – it is more convenient to plan our wedding here, our lives are here, we have a strong friend base here and we really like the venue.
My future mother-in-law has been relentless in trying to get us to agree to have the wedding in my fiancee’s hometown, at venues that we do not like and that are significantly more expensive than our local option. This has included guilt-tripping my fiancee that it will devastate future mother-in-law if the wedding is in D.C., telling us that no one will come to our wedding if we have it here, and pretending to not hear my fiancee when she tells her that we would rather have the wedding here.
My fiancee is feeling guilty because she is an only child and her dad is deceased. To make matters worse, a family member has informed my fiancee that I simply do not get where my future mother-in-law is coming from and that I need to be more sensitive to the fact that she is a widow. Any advice you have would be much appreciated. Thanks so much!
– Engaged
Engaged: Yikes. Decline the money, have it in D.C., prepare yourselves to ride out the emotional crapstorm. Her being a widow (or anything else) affords her zero claim on lives that aren’t hers to run. The sooner you lay out in a clear and loving way that you are having your wedding your way, and then do not budge, the better I like your chances for keeping this controlling person and other controlling people out of the ensuing marriage.
Just imagine if you have children, and your fiancee’s mother gets ideas on how she wants them raised.
You’re going to have to establish boundaries, so you might as well do it now, when the dotted line is so easy to see. And yes, I realize that declining money and having a D.C. wedding are almost ludicrously at odds with each other, and who knows when this all can happen anyway, but in tackling the one-day wedding we’re really talking about the restof-your-lives marriage – so if it means a mac-and-cheese reception in a public park, then so be it.
Re: Wedding: Of course you should decline the money and the emotional blackmail that comes with it. As an olive branch, maybe agree to have her host a reception in your honor – after the honeymoon - in her hometown? Then she can pay, have her friends etc. – Win-win?
Re: Wedding: This is actually a golden opportunity/test for you and fiancee. If she can’t stand up for herself and the two of you now, I would seriously reconsider the marriage. Do you want to share your life with someone who lets her mother direct her decisions on childbearing, childrearing, buying versus renting, which job to take, where to live, how to vacation and everything else? She is a widow, so she gets her way!
– Golden
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