Friend’s job charade is troubling
Adapted from an online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn: I recently found out that a close friend lost her job months ago and has been pretending to all, including her family, that she is still working. She dresses up, takes the train into town and kills time for eight hours every day. I am flabbergasted and do not know how to approach this with her. Obviously there is no shame in losing a job, but carrying on this charade is troubling.
– Flabbergasted
Flabbergasted: This question is from 2019, before the big 180 made job loss ordinary and commuting bizarre – but the advice is the same. Say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” buy her some nocontact coffee and listen.
That is, if she knows you know she’s not working. If you learned from someone else, then just say that, as if the grapevine had delivered any other, perfectly normal news about someone: “I heard about your job, I’m so sorry.” Then extend the coffee invitation.
It is indeed very troubling, and she will need friends who are up to the job of supporting her – which includes but is not limited to nudging her toward professional help if/when she resists dealing with the harder parts of her current reality, which is pretty common in general. More so, certainly, than the specific choice to spend months in an elaborate charade of being at work.
But throughout, being warm and available will help her get past the shame piece, which no doubt drove her to these extremes.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve been seeing someone I really like, whose company I super enjoy, but very quickly it has turned into us hanging out at my place.
On the one hand I enjoy this; I am a bit of a homebody, it’s relaxed and low-pressure, I have snacks. On the other, I feel some mix of taken for granted (aren’t we supposed to be having dates? shouldn’t he be making an effort?) and concerned that this Means Something (am I too hideous to be seen with in public?). I don’t think it’s just a friends-with-benefits situation and I don’t know it; we don’t always have the sex, and he has explicitly said he is interested in a relationship. I don’t believe he is with someone else and he’s trying to hide me.
I want to say something, but every configuration I come up with makes me feel demanding, or like I want him to spend money on me. We’ve been pretty open and honest so far, discussed our pasts and our emotional needs, but this one thing I can’t seem to figure out.
– Concerned
Concerned: Er. How about, when you’d rather go out, you suggest going out? Plan to pay. See how that works.
That way, you don’t have to worry about answering any of the subquestions. Just answer the main one: When I’m living the life I want to live, does he still fit into it?
Re: Concerned: If you’re relying on him always to be the one to make plans, then you’re taking him for granted.
– Anonymous
Anonymous: Ha. Or intending to, and he’s not producing the goods. Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at facebook.com/carolyn.hax