She regrets breaking up with beau
Ask Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: Last semester, I ended a 11⁄2-year, semi-long-distance relationship (different colleges). Basically, toward the end, he was never satisfied, and I could never do anything right to make him happy. I got tired of putting my own happiness and sanity aside to appease him and finally ended it. He was angry and begged me to come back, but I was emotionally exhausted. We went back and forth and finally agreed on a threemonth silence to give each other space to heal. We also agreed to call each other if we became involved with other people. I wasn’t (and still am not) interested in dating anyone else for now.
A few nights ago, he called to tell me he was, indeed, dating someone else. He’s also incredibly happy, has acknowledged he wasn’t happy with me and is branching out and becoming more open-minded – something I silently wished for while we were together.
Oh, and we agreed to basically never speak again.
Well, I feel like a Band-Aid has been ripped off my heart and it won’t stop bleeding. I feel like I really failed him. I had wanted him to be content with his life so badly! I know I need to get over this – I broke up with HIM, after all – but I don’t know how.
Confused and Crying: I hate to make such a difficult situation sound so easy, but I believe it is: He has your number. But good.
Everything you describe can be explained by his wanting control over you – though we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it wasn’t conscious. You worked to please and appease him. He wasn’t satisfied. You worked harder. He remained unsatisfied. You reached the point where you couldn’t work any harder, and quit. (Your sole possession of the upper hand.)
He got angry. He hounded you to come back. When you refused, he hounded you to call it a break instead of a breakup. You relented. He then broke up with you. (Thus regaining the upper hand.)
He shifted all blame for his problems onto you – with your consent, because you wanted to make him happy. He declared himself happy with his first someone-else – maybe because he is, but possibly because he knew you’d think you had failed.
He declared the matter closed, denying you the last word.
That’s the power-jockeying I see. There is nothing wrong with wanting to make someone happy. There is something very wrong with people who take advantage of that impulse in others. Consciously or unconsciously.
And there is something wrong with still wanting to make someone happy even when you have ample proof of what it’s costing you.
That’s why ridding your conscience of this guy is only part of the work you need to do. The other part is to realize your alarms didn’t go off during two years of manipulation. They still haven’t gone off; that clanging you hear is me. Please ask yourself why you were so ready to change, blame and surrender yourself.
He isn’t the right one for you.