Fiance still confides in his mom
Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared June 21 and 23, 2006.
Dear Carolyn: The two people my fiance confides in the most are his mother and his ex-girlfriend, now best friend. At first I was uncomfortable with his talking to his ex, but am slowly getting over that as I get to know her better. She is a true friend to him and I trust her. However, his mother . . . not the case. I’ve always felt that sharing details of arguments and problems in our relationship with his mother or my mother is just asking for problems. She and I are still trying to build our relationship and I don’t need her knowing those sometimes unpleasant details and then judging me or holding them against me after he and I have moved on. I don’t think she’s entirely capable of being unbiased in her advice and therefore have asked him to not share our private lives with her. He isn’t happy with the request but has honored it because he loves me. Am I being unreasonable?
– Trying to Do the Right Thing
Trying to Do the Right Thing: I can’t think of anything that would alienate you from your new mother-in-law faster than putting a gag order on her son.
You might not like every detail she learns about you, but you’re going to have to trust her to recognize you’re human and to see through little thises-andthats. (Or pretend to, if nothing else.) If she can’t summon this simple generosity toward you, then you were never going to be close no matter how brightly her son spoke of you.
You’re also going to have to trust your fiance to represent you fairly. Again – if he can’t summon this simple generosity toward you, then you and he will have significant conflict, his mother notwithstanding.
And, not least, you need to trust yourself. Any time you start to worry about how someone sees you, remind yourself: “That’s not up to me.”
Hello, Carolyn: My father has major health problems. I just learned my parents’ blood types pretty much preclude me from being his biological child. I am the image of my mother. Let’s just say the facts have provided an explanation for past experiences.
I have young children of my own who see these folks as their grandparents. My mother has been very supportive in my life, and I do not want to bring her added difficulty at this time. Do I let sleeping dogs lie?
– My Mother’s Daughter
My Mother’s Daughter: Yes. For now. That you don’t want to upset your mother right now is compassionate and reason enough.
After this reason fades, another may take its place. Or, not.
Regardless, you can reverse a decision to keep quiet, but you can’t un-ask about it, so any doubts mean you let the dogs sleep.
You do, however, need to accept that not asking now may mean you never know, since, by the time you’re ready, it may be too late. I’m sorry to add to your burden, but it’s something you do need to face.