Should she be cautious with cheating old flame?
Ask Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: After a string of failed relationships I shifted gears and started working on myself. I’m pretty happy with my life now, but I’ve been single for over 20 years!
Recently an old boyfriend from many years ago contacted me and our long-distance conversations have been delightful. I’m intrigued by this unexpected new possibility.
I also feel extremely cautious. Our past relationship ended because he cheated. He has now revealed he had an affair as his marriage was falling apart, and he continued that affair for some time, despite being “friends” with the woman’s husband. He also says that affair ended several years ago.
I know I’m right to be cautious, given this pattern. And yet there is a spark with this old flame that I’m really enjoying. How do I proceed with a heart open to new possibilities while still protecting myself from his old patterns?
– Intrigued but Cautious Intrigued but Cautious: The shortest distance between those two points is to assume he’ll do it again, to you.
No guessing, no fretting, no wondering what he’s up to. Expect he’ll have someone(s) else. Conduct your relationship accordingly.
Now ask yourself: Can you do that? Can you enjoy companionship for the sake of it, without promise of commitment or exclusivity or, in his case, any hope he’ll change?
Can you open your heart because you trust with it, and any consequences? Can you enjoy love for the experience and not fear the hurt?
Anyway. If you’re not equipped for danger, then stick to lounging poolside.
No shame in that. The value in any choice is not absolute; it’s in how well you know yourself, and how well your choices suit you.
Dear Carolyn: Because of a lifelong mismanagement of finances coupled with some misfortune, my partner and I are in the position of needing to support his parents. After covering a car payment, cellphones, utilities and other bills, we also give them a sizable sum each month for living expenses. We can afford it but not easily, and it does mean we sacrifice in other areas, like our kids’ college funds, our own retirement, etc.
We just found out they donate half of this sum each month to their church. We were floored.
In addition to not supporting their church of choice – they openly discriminate against LGBTQ people, when our child identifies as one – we are upset the money isn’t being used for what we intended.
Am I right here? Or should I assume once the money goes to them, we should butt out and let them decide?
Floored: Oh yeah no. There is a really great ethical conversation to be had here, which I’d join just as soon as I stopped supporting people who support a cause that hurts my child.
To donate to a cause that undermines their own grandchild – using said grandchild’s tuition money! – is both a gobsmacker and hardly surprising, these days, and to my mind it’s enough of an outrage to matter.
Your in-laws’ autonomy deserves a nod as well, even though they squandered much of it themselves.
Talk to your partner about paying specific bills vs. handing over a block grant, and restoring as much as you can of your retirement savings. Don’t fix their mistake by repeating it.
tellme@washpost.com.