Daughter’s plans for Christmas Day disappoint
Ask Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have only one child, who just got married this year. We have always spent Christmas Eve together, just she and her now-husband, and Christmas Day with our extended family.
This year they want to still spend Christmas Eve with us but not Christmas Day. It’s not to be with his family, as I said we would host everyone from his small family, though not mine, as it is too large to host during a pandemic. They have decided they want to spend Christmas Day alone.
I have never been so hurt. My husband and I will be alone on Christmas Day. We told them let’s skip Christmas Eve and get together on Christmas Day, but they said no.
We would never leave them alone. I find this to be a very selfish act, as we are getting up in years. I feel Valentine’s Day is for couples but Christmas is for families. I can’t begin to tell you how sad and hurt I am. Am I wrong?
Heartbroken: You feel what you feel, and you value what you value, so it’s not “wrong” to feel sad. The Christmas tradition you love just got wiped out – this year, at least – by an unfortunate concurrence of a virus and the debut of your daughter’s new family unit. I am sorry you’re left with Plan B.
Where you go awry is in blaming your daughter for those feelings, tarring her emotional launch as a “very selfish act.”
For one thing, she is a newlywed. Have mercy.
For another, you are both freestanding, emotionally continent adults. She’s doing this herself, not
you. Adopt this as a mantra, if needed, because “You’re selfish for not giving me what I want!” is a stance you’ll likely regret. You’ve voiced your objections, so please now manage your disappointment – again, your absolutely understandable disappointment – “in house” from now on.
For another thing, you have Christmas Eve. And even if you didn’t, I’d be reminding you how lucky you’ve been to enjoy her company previously. (Her husband’s family? No such recent luck.) That’s because, once you’ve looked your sadness in the eye, felt it, accepted it – the next step is to put it in perspective.
The secret to goodwill and good moods under changing conditions is to gather up whatever blessings remain, and get creative with them. You have time.
For another thing, your daughter is part of a continuum – the benefits of which you have clearly long enjoyed, once you and husband and child became your own primary family unit apart from his and your parents’, the center of your own holidays.
Your daughter is now planting herself on this timeline. Maybe her timing isn’t ideal, but, she’s paid a heavy price already in 2020 currency, hasn’t she? Starting her marriage amid disaster? She’s entitled to this emotional milestone. Please do not dent her joy just because it’s tougher for you.
If needed, imagine your parents had tried to tell your newlywed self how to live. Presumably you’d have resented that.
Another thing, then I’ll stop, promise: Christmas is one day but your emotional tie your daughter is 365 and eternal.
So un-guilt your daughter, a true Christmas gift – then start planning Plan B. Charity, music, pie?
The season stands ready with its countless other gifts.