Kids adapt to different expectations
Ask Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I live within a short drive of my family and see them often. We have had to ask my sister to please NOT try to discipline my 5-yearold twins, because her parenting and discipline styles differ so wildly from ours in so many ways. She is extremely firm with her own children and does not give them the space to be kids, whereas our parenting philosophy allows for our kids to make some of their own decisions (within reason).
When we asked her to fall back, she agreed to do so. But now, she will barely so much as be in the same room with our kids. She says she feels too nervous about being accused of overstepping. This is getting in the way of the kids’ relationship with their aunt, and it’s also starting to strain my relationship with her. What should we do?
Maryland: Consider letting her handle them the way she feels comfortable doing so?
I get your concern about the very different styles, but, unless you really think she’s a terrible parent – or harming your kids vs. just being more of a disciplinarian than you are – your kids will be able to handle the fact of two different sets of expectations.
It happens all the time regardless of family proximity and parenting style: Home has X rules, grandpa’s house has Y, day care/school has Z and public places are all over the spectrum. Presumably they know library behavior and Chuck E Cheese behavior aren’t the same?
They’re 5, plenty old enough to start understanding this extends to individuals, too, and adapting their behavior accordingly. You just need to be consistent in the way you address inconsistencies: “Remember, Auntie doesn’t allow X.” They’ll manage.
Readers’ thoughts:
Evaluating their behavior with as much of an objective eye as possible, could it be that giving the 5-year-olds “space to be kids” has made them difficult to be around? We have friends with kids with this parenting philosophy, and the kids have gotten to be so disruptive and unruly that it has become hard to spend time with them.
Please remember that your sister is reacting in the only way left to her to honor your request. If she is not allowed to try to alter or curb the behavior of small children when it is annoying her, then the adult thing to do is to remove herself from their presence. Which she does. Which you are complaining about. She is respecting your wishes and now you are disappointed in her about this, too. You don’t get to have it both ways.
I agree with Carolyn as long as Sis isn’t trying to discipline your kids in your home. Her home, her rules. Your home, yours.
What you are teaching your child is that you are the only one who can have expectations of them. YOU are getting in the way. Others discipline and/or have expectations of your child. You cannot control every interaction they have with others. Nor should you want to. You see how it is already putting a strain on the relationship.