Friend does a ‘sell job’ for hallucinogenic therapy
Dear Carolyn: My closest friend of the past dozen years has been telling me I should participate in a guided hallucinogenic-therapy session because of what she considers my anxiety problem.
I am an anxious person, no doubt. Mostly it serves to make me work harder, spend less, and deliberate both sides of a decision before committing to one. I’m highly successful in my career, and colleagues are always surprised to learn there’s an undercurrent of anxiety fueling my hard work.
My friend has talked repeatedly about how abnormal my anxiety is and asks why I would accept this state. But other women I know also confess that anxiety plays a significant role in propelling them forward – deemed perfectionism, I’d guess. I don’t know any different, and I’m not an unhappy person. In fact, with age I’ve grown calmer.
This friend has asked almost once a week if I’ll join her in a session. She even offered to pay for it. I feel like I’m in a used-car dealership with a highpressure salesperson. I say I’m open to learning more but it’s not something I feel is necessary.
She has lots of great qualities as a friend, but she is known to be judgmental. I haven’t figured out how to safely navigate a clear response to her. Can you help me? – Pressured
Pressured: Why is it “safe” for her to intrude into your psychic business on a weekly basis, but not “safe” for you to insist she stand down?
It does not matter whether you have anxiety, whether you’re normal, whether you’re happy.
It does not matter whether this treatment would help you. (That’s also not for me to address.)
It does not matter whether your friend is judgmental.
The answer is the same about any recommendation by anyone about anything.
Your life, your right to say no. Being “open to learning more,” meanwhile, is more yes than no. So say no unequivocally: “I have heard you and thought about it, and my answer is no.”
And if she presses: “Please stop.” And if she presses: “I’ve listened. I’ve said no. It bothers me that you’re still pressing. I won’t engage if you bring it up again.”
For this part, ugh, I’m sorry! really! to risk becoming part of the same problem we’re trying to solve here: If you find you can’t stand up to invaders of your personal space in this basic, definitive way, then it might behoove you to line up some therapy sessions to give your reasons a closer look.
Dear Carolyn: So someone sent our son a pretty awful book through an online retailer – I’m guessing another teen because it relies on gross-out humor and the f-word for its hilariousness – and while we are not prudes, this is just … terrible. And our kid claims to have no idea who would send it. My inclination is to ignore it and see if another kid owns up, but my husband wants to know who sent it – although, really, there is nothing to do. We’re not going to yell at whoever it is. Just ignore, right? – Anonymous
Anonymous: Yes, but you’re not the one who needs persuading.
So, Husband: For parents, teen years deliver the white-knuckle ride of waning influence and life-or-death importance. Don’t waste dwindling parental capital on relative trifles like this.