Don’t allow anyone to ‘erase’ you
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I met online during the summer of the pandemic. We are attracted to each other, share values and interests, and enjoyed almost two months of intense connection, followed by four months of headbutting over time spent together, sex drive and love languages, with him feeling constantly rejected and me feeling constantly pressured and becoming reactive. His style is a bit more attached and I’m very independent. We both began seeing therapists independently, and just started seeing a couples’ therapist. Neither of us have fought this much in a relationship, especially not this early on.
I feel like perhaps being around each other so much in the pandemic has brought up so many issues that couples can easily delay confronting when they live fast-paced lives.
I’m thankful we can identify these things to work through, but … we’re exhausted. We’re learning and growing, but damn, this is hard so early on. I’m struggling with when to forge ahead with finding balance, and when to call it incompatibility and move on.
Do or Dump: So you’re six, seven months in, and you’ve been happy for only 30% to 33% of that time? And not even the most recent 30-ish%, but the longest-ago?
We date people before committing to them to learn whether they’re a good fit, but it works only if you’re willing to accept and act on the information it gives you. So, in this case: You’re incompatible. Accept it and move on. It’s a straightforward enough outcome that I could end my answer with it now.
You describe something else, though, that I don’t want to blow past and you don’t want to bury under excuses about pandemic togetherness or stress – or pay a therapist to help you not resent.
When you talk about different “styles,” here’s what I see: He wants more than you’re willing/able/ready to give, and he’s not taking “no” for an answer. This is a dealbreaker
Couples – let’s expand that, even, to all relationship pairs, from friends to family and everyone else – make all kinds of consensual emotional arrangements between them. There’s no one blueprint for being functional or healthy.
But to be consensual, every single one of these arrangements needs as its foundation a mutual respect for the other’s “no” – otherwise there can’t be balance or trust between you. If you go into every decision knowing your “no” will be seen by the other person as the opening of negotiations, then you’re going to learn to hold back, tiptoe, rationalize, apologize for yourself and even preemptively agree to things you don’t want to because that’s easier than a fight. This, over time, will erase you.
To be fully empowered within the relationship, each of you needs to trust the other implicitly not to try to change you or take from you more than you’re willing to give. It’s the only way two people can ever let their guards down with each other. If he thinks that what you have to offer isn’t enough for him – and that he’s entitled to push you both to exhaustion in a campaign for more – then he’s not, and will never be, the guy.