‘Win-win’ situation is messy
Ask Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: We have a 2-year-old son and receive visits from the out-ofstate in-laws several times a year. It is a “win-win” situation: My wife and I get a rare evening out together, while the grandparents have time to dote on their grandson.
However, our relatives treat our house as if it were a hotel room – dirty dishes lying around, crumbs on the floors and furniture, random trash and newspapers strewn about, etc. What bothers us is not as much the cleanup afterward but rather the seeming disrespect they have for our house – they certainly don’t leave their own houses in such a state.
We would like to say something but fear they will either scoff at it or, worse, become offended and not visit as much, which is certainly not our desire. Is there a gentle way to communicate our feelings without hurting theirs?
C.F.: I’m sure there’s a perfect way to speak up. I’m also sure it’s sitting in a box on the back of a high shelf surrounded by glass shards, barbed-wire sculpture, hot coals, unexploded ordnance, dry ice and tacks, so whenever you feel the urge to reach up and feel around for it, I recommend you resist.
You came up with this answer yourself: Your in-laws’ “seeming” disrespect is not so bad that you’re willing to risk their not visiting. Done. There are times when parents do have to tamper with the chemistry of grandparent-grandchild affection, but this isn’t one of them.
If it helps, I’ll be happy to make whatever excuses necessary for you to look past your in-laws’ messes. How about … they don’t leave their homes messy because they aren’t chasing 2-year-olds in them. Or, they leave newspapers around because their attempts to read them get thwarted by a 2-year-old wanting attention. Or, the energy they’d use to sweep up crumbs has been spent dancing, singing, clapping and playing Let’s Climb the Dining Room Table to Swing on the Chandelier with a 2-year-old.
OK, it’s all the same excuse, but it’s a decent one – especially given that separate non-messy parties from separate non-messy homes show up at your home and suddenly become … messy. Hmm. Pair this excuse with the only thing that matters, and it achieves greatness: People are coming from afar to your home with love in their hearts and babysitting on their agendas. If they show up buttered and dredged in breadcrumbs, give them a hug and say thanks.
Dear Carolyn: My co-worker and I have both just gotten out of relationships. When we discuss the breakups rationally and logically, we both know we made the right decisions – we recognize unhealthy patterns, we are committed to creating better habits, and we both agree we don’t want these relationships back! If we can talk about it in a calm way, why do we still cry?
Bewildered: When the process of picking people up, inspecting them, saying “No, not quite right,” and putting them back on the shelf is something we can accomplish without emotion, then you’ll stop crying. But then we’d all really have something to cry about. Take it as a sign of your fundamental humanity.