Tell friend about dating her ex soon
Ask Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: I recently ran into a good friend’s ex-husband and we ended up having lunch together. He and my friend were married six years and finally divorced three years ago because of his immaturity – he kept quitting jobs, putting off having kids – and his laziness around the house, etc.
He and I have been texting ever since and he’s asked me out. He really seems to have gotten his act together, seems much more mature, is actually dressing like a grown man and taking his job seriously.
If I go out with him, do I need to let my friend know? She’s remarried and trying for a baby with her new husband and I don’t know if she even gives her ex a second thought these days. I did tell her I had lunch with him.
I feel weird asking her “permission,” especially without knowing how this will all shake out. She and I probably won’t see each other in person for weeks but we do text often. Can I tell her about dating her ex after I figure out if there’s any potential? – Dating a Friend’s Ex
Dating a Friend’s Ex: I think the longer you postpone weird conversations, the weirder they get.
So: “Hey, lunch with Ex led to dinner plans. I obviously have no idea whether this is going to end after one dinner or last forever, but now seems like the leastweird time to mention that I might be dating Ex.”
Sometimes the spiritual guide we need to channel is a shrug emoji.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are supposed to take a big international trip this year, we’ve been talking about it for a year, but he has not gotten his passport despite being asked repeatedly to do so. We’re going to his first-choice country, so it’s not because he doesn’t want to go on the trip. I don’t really want to buy tickets when he doesn’t even have his passport, and plane ticket prices are just getting more expensive. I’ve told him that I’m going with or without him – is there a better strategy for handling this? – Anonymous
Anonymous: This is going to be an aspirational answer, in which we pretend foot-dragging on paperwork is the only real obstacle to international travel .
Make the appointment at your local passport-acceptance site. Run possible dates and times by your husband so he knows you’re doing it, then if necessary herd him there yourself when the time comes.
If even that doesn’t work, then it’s time to look into bigger explanations. Anxiety is the one that comes to mind first, since “big international trip” can easily (equal sign) big stress for someone, and the passive resistance you describe is one I’ve seen with anxiety, with my layman’s eyes.
You can try the direct-and-sympathetic way for that – “Is it possible you’re stressed about the idea of the trip? If so, I totally understand” – and see what that yields. It could be a matter for a professional, but you’ve got a few options before you’re there.
If he keeps stalling and won’t say why, then eventually it’ll be time for Plan B, where you make these plans with a friend. Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.