He is caught cheating ... again
Adapted from an online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn: A few evenings ago, I had to log on to the home computer to retrieve a document and to my shock, my husband had a video-chat box that he had left up where he was very clearly sexting or video-hooking-up with some random person online. It paralyzed me. I know I should have immediately confronted him with this, but I was and am quite frankly extremely angry, hurt, and disappointed.
A little over a year ago, I caught him sexting with an ex-fling, which he claimed was “just joking.” Yes, he is very sloppy and had the phone in very plain sight, much like the computer. We went to counseling and I conveyed to him that honesty is very important to me even if the truth is hard, and that, while I can’t control what he does, I feel his doing that to me is very disrespectful.
I thought we had gotten past it, but now this happens. He still acts all loveydovey and sweet to me, yet does this in secret. I feel like I no longer know my husband.
I will have to talk to him soon, when I feel like I can have a somewhat calm, rational conversation with him, especially since I am tired of faking a good mood and my acting chops are not that good. Is he a sex addict? Do I just ask him what he is really looking to find by doing this? Does he need an open marriage? How should I approach this? – Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde
Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde: I’m sorry. It sounds as if you do know your husband, now. He’s just not the person you’ve told yourself he is.
It also sounds as if you mistook saying your piece with “we had gotten past it.”
You moved on; he apparently stayed put, and still is who he always has been.
You were able to believe otherwise after you busted him the first time, but now you’re seeing he probably faked it to get by without any serious consequences.
So, how should you approach this? Tell him what you saw. Then give your view, that he played along in counseling to make the last sexting issue go away – and so you’d like the truth this time, please. Whatever it may be, you’d rather know it and deal with it head-on than be back here again a year from now.
But here’s the thing. You did this last time, and here you are. This time, it has to be about what his message is to you, not yours to him. So far his message is, “I will pretend to be X while secretly doing Y, and be dismissive of you when you catch me.” Can he do better? What would it take for you to believe him? Think ahead and be ready.
Re: Sexting: It’s never “just joking,” whether it’s someone saying something nasty and trying to walk it back as a “joke,” or your husband sexting with an ex. It’s not even a good fake excuse because it’s such an overused, cover-your-butt thing to say. Anyone who tries to cover up their bad behavior by saying they were just joking is broadcasting major red flags. – Anonymous
Anonymous: Seriously. Thanks. Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.