When meds, mantras don’t work
Dear Carolyn: How does a person raise their self-esteem? Telling myself multiple times a day “You are pretty!” and “You are smart!” hasn’t worked. Antidepressants have not helped. My therapist just tells me to repeat a sentence listing my positive qualities.
I am a nice, flexible, giving person. I am a good friend because I am understanding and kind. But my self-esteem is terrible.
I feel stupid around people who are more accomplished. I don’t feel pretty and never have felt pretty. I am hoping someday I will be able to say “I am happy with myself.” – Low Self-Esteem
Low Self-Esteem: Do you feel smart around people who are less accomplished?
Pretty around people who are less attractive?
This is one of the many (many) problems with the comparison method of determining self-worth. The world is so vast and there are so many possible comparisons that it ends up being no more than another tool to confirm our biases – in this case about ourselves. You don’t feel accomplished, so you look around and notice mostly accomplished people. You don’t feel pretty, so you notice mostly pretty people.
It’s why mentally listing your positive qualities won’t make a dent. To you, the facts say you aren’t pretty or accomplished – and when 2 + 2 = 4, shouting “5! 5! 5!” won’t work, ever, even if you shout it all day every day. Plus people will probably stare.
So I urge you to throw away self-compliments, positive mantras, comparisons; throw away stupid, smart, pretty, accomplished. Throw away happy. Throw away self-esteem.
Throw away all measures of relative value completely. Throw away all measures of value, period.
Your value is absolute. You exist therefore you matter.
No more than anyone, and no less. That’s it.
Breathe.
Maybe into this stripped-down state, invite some exquisite Mary Oliver poetry. (Link: bit.ly/3xaE6hL). The ant observation in her “Reckless Poem” speaks so clearly to your struggle that it’s eerie.
Or skip it. Poetry is one of those loveit-or-eye-roll-it things. But keep the stripped down state regardless, except to add what you need: the work that supports you the pursuits that divert you the purpose that fulfills you the people who get you.
I’m not saying this is everything you, personally, need. You are us, we are you, and this is all anyone needs. If you’re missing any of those fundamental things, then identify and cultivate ways to get them.
Your therapist may be making the same point; it’s hard to hear anything over the constant chiding of a self-critical inner voice. So ask about it. (And switch therapists if needed, if you’re stuck. Not everyone is a match.)
And any time you hear that critical voice from now on, don’t keep trying to say “You’re wrong!” instead, call it exactly what it is: irrelevant. Measurement is nothing. Fulfillment is everything.