Thoughtful gestures show love
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I know it sounds sort of obvious, but can you (and others) say more about how to choose love in a marriage? I’m 10 years in with my husband and during isolation-central with our elementary-schooler, things started to feel transactional instead of rooted in a deep love. I have moments of wondering if this is all there is, but I wouldn’t want to hurt or break up my family. How do you choose love? – Wondering
Wondering: I’ll let others weigh in, but here’s a starter thought: Do something small, thoughtful and special for your husband. Bring coffee to him in bed, for example. Pick up a favorite food at the grocery store. Remember an occasion or date that matters to him. These gestures don’t have to include romance you don’t feel (yet – that’s one of the goals, to cultivate it again), but the best ones will reflect your knowledge of him and what he would appreciate.
Repeat, often enough to make a habit of it.
Another: Say thank you when he does something for you or the family, even if it’s “expected.” “Thanks for dealing with those dishes.” Because all the “transactional” things you do for your shared household are acts of love, in their way.
And be open to suggestion, especially in the moment: “In this situation, how would you rather have me respond?”
Of course, and maybe most important of all, don’t keep score and be quick to forgive.
Re: Choosing love: For my two sweet kids – I’m divorced – it looks like giving us little things to look forward to during the day. So, one day at 1 p.m., I said, “We are having a tea party at 4!” Then, at 4, we made tea in the teapot instead of just using mugs, and had some strawberries and buttered toast to go with the tea. And the kids set the topic of conversation for the party, which they decided should be Farts. It made that day feel a little bit less like all the other days. – Anonymous
Anonymous: Not around here, where every day Farts are the topic, but I hear you.
Other suggestions from readers:
The transaction is the deep love. Say, you are taking turns waking up early to take care of the baby. Each time it is your turn to wake up, you aren’t just waking up because yesterday you got to sleep in. You are waking up so that the person you love can sleep in. When you get to sleep in the next day, it is because they love you and want you to get a chance to sleep in.
I put a wedding picture of my husband, myself, and our blended family in the bathroom – a candid shot, nothing special. When I’m overwhelmed, angry, disappointed, or tired, or just feeling meh, I see that picture in between the cotton balls and the toothbrushes and I remember why we did this. To me, that’s choosing love.
When my twins were babies, I made a conscious decision not to hold anything my husband said or did in the middle of the night against him once the sun rose. THAT was choosing love.