Can marriage be saved when partner moves away?
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My partner of four years isn’t satisfied with their career or our marriage, and is taking a job across the country that feels too good to pass up. I will be left with an apartment lease, debt, pets to take care of. My partner explains it’s the job opportunity and my actions over the past two years that led her to make this decision. My partner says I don’t try anymore, that I don’t prioritize them.
It’s true, I’m personally not doing too great and I am trying to be better, but it’s not good enough at the moment. This will be a separation I suppose, with maybe a chance of reconciliation. She wants me to get help for past trauma, says I’m emotionally devoid.
I want to be with this person forever but a move like this, it’s shocking to me. How can I begin to fix our marriage?
– Not Doing Too Great
Not Doing Too Great: I think the best thing you can do for your marriage is not try to fix it.
You mention your “apartment lease, debt, pets to take care of ” in the sense of things you’re stuck managing alone, but I squint a little and I see (ignoring the debt for a moment) a kind of exoskeleton around you, holding you in as you do the difficult work of getting well.
Getting well from what, you know better than I do – the past trauma and the breakup, presumably. But taking care of your responsibilities can be a reason to keep moving forward, even haltingly, through an intensely emotional time – if you don’t dwell on the dumped-on part and stick to the I-need-to-show-up part.
For now, consider just getting through hour by hour, day by day, and yes, getting help – for the trauma or the breakup or both, doesn’t matter. Help is help.
Now the debt thing: These are still partly your spouse’s responsibilities too, no? Assuming the lease and debt were maritally incurred, I urge you to talk to an attorney about these.
And, the marriage: As the shock clears and your routine carries you forward, so too will you start to think more clearly, and tend to yourself better. When you’re feeling more whole and better able to think, that’s the time to fix the marriage. Or not, depending on whether that option is available and whether you still want it. But now’s just about your work on you.
Dear Carolyn: I finally broke up with my boyfriend of four years months before the pandemic, after a break, couples’ counseling and my own personal therapy. I’ve felt blessed by my post-breakup landing. Ex approached me twice shortly afterward, first to apologize and acknowledge the issues he needed to address, then to ask to get back together. He has miraculously respected my “no thank you” and hasn’t contacted me since.
Am I a total jerk for not contacting him and confirming he emerged OK? I have NO interest in leading him on. Maybe I just want confirmation it is OK to do absolutely nothing! – Anonymous
Anonymous: Doing nothing isn’t just OK, it’s responsible. You split amicably and left nothing unsaid. Done. Don’t send a conflicting message through a gesture that offers little upside for either of you.