Grandchild feels rejected
Dear Carolyn: My 13-year-old came out to their grandmother, my mother-inlaw. Grandma sighed, “It is what it is.” Not terribly enthusiastic, right? My child is crestfallen. When my husband suggested to our child that they spend some time with Grandma this summer, our child said they have no interest spending time with Grandma ever again.
While my husband states he “doesn’t know why” his child is making such a big deal about this and he “doesn’t know what to do,” I am fairly secure in my perspective and mama-bear instincts, which tell me to protect my young.
I should resist the temptation to insert myself and wifesplain to my husband that his obligation is to protect his child and not please his – I’m going to say it homophobic mother, right? I should resist the temptation to reach out to my mother-in-law and explain to her that her gay grandchild is feeling rejected by her, right? My job is not to be the emissary, is it? – E.
E.: No, it isn’t. Your job is to be the parent.
Which means you don’t leave your 13year-old to navigate complicated family relationships without an example, a supportive confidant, a source of measured guidance, a fierce advocate, and occasionally a bouncer.
You absolutely can – and have a duty to – and I hope by now, already did – talk to your husband about his obligation to his child. This comes with the example and advocacy roles. It’s also part of marriage to communicate openly and often about important things, especially when 50% of it is being obtuse.
That is not the same as beating him over the head with your opinion. Pointed questions are your friend, because when you say to him, “OK you don’t ‘know’ why, but why do you think our child is making such a big deal of this?” – and ask, “In [child]’s place, what do you imagine wanting your grandma to say/your dad to do?” – he will likely come to a better understanding than if you’d just demanded he think what you think.
You also absolutely can and have standing to – and I hope by now, already did – tell your mother-in-law your child found “it is what it is” hurtful and upsetting. This falls under a parent’s example, advocacy and bouncer roles. If your child can address Grandma directly, even better, and it’s vital for them to know the power of self-advocacy toward feeling good in their own skin (measured guidance role) - but that’s also a lot for 13, so be their interim spokesparent as needed.
Finally, you also can, and I hope did, give your child an enveloping hug, note how incredibly brave and loving it was to come out to Grandma, and say you’re sorry Grandma wasn’t even a tenth as brave or loving in return (supportive confidant). And urge them, consistently and in due time, against a “never again” mindset unless it’s clear there’s no better choice (measured guidance). Bad reactions to big personal news are almost as common as news itself; mercifully, people also have the capacity to improve for as long as their faculties permit. Like the parents who don’t disown their kids for saying, “I hate you!,” your kid can be selfprotective and still understand giving Grandma room to grow up.