Using illness to be a drama queen?
Dear Carolyn: Two years ago, my cousin and her boyfriend got engaged at the cocktail hour of my reception. My aunt insisted the DJ announce it and they asked for their own spotlight dance before we’d even had ours. Their behavior was tacky, rude and infuriating. Afterward she refused to apologize, said she thought I would be happy for her and that it would just “add to the merriment.”
That was the end of our friendship for me. I skipped their wedding and have avoided her as much as possible since. She plays the victim and whines to everyone who will listen. My aunt and mother pile on about it too.
My cousin is sick with coronavirus and they’re insisting I apologize for my “childishness” and beg her forgiveness. She is a young, healthy woman, can’t be that sick since she is still at home, so it’s not like she’s going to die from this. She’s just using her illness to once again be a drama queen. I have the right to continue to refuse to forgive her, don’t I? – Cousin
Cousin: Um. What she did was attention-seeking and ridiculous. And her (or the aunties, hard to tell) weaponizing COVID for score-settling is also attention-seeking and ridiculous. You punished her selfish wedding stunt, though, with a relationship death sentence.
Not only did that build the glass house from the turret of which you’re now shouting, “Drama queen!” (I like my metaphors shaken, not mixed) but it also conveniently blocked out your aunt’s role. She was the stage manager, suggesting this was one manifestation of a larger family frailty.
Again – the whole thing was grotesque on her part. No question. And maybe you left out more damning backstory that would better explain your contempt.
But: “She is a young healthy woman, can’t be that sick since she is still at home, so it’s not like she’s going to die from this?” Yikes.
That doesn’t do for your case what I think you intended. COVID decides how ill she is, not you.
I’m not even sure what to advise, because you both owe each other apologies, which are fundamentally impossible when the motivation for them comes from the guilt machine of two sisters who set the dysfunctional tone to begin with for the next generation.
How about this: You use the occasion of her possibly quite serious (but also possibly not serious) illness to decide how you would like to be remembered in this family. Then act accordingly.
Dear Carolyn: I’m sorry if I came off as flippant. I hope my cousin fully recovers and I hear she is doing OK. But my husband helped me see that we were only “best friends” because I let her walk all over me. I now have my husband’s family as a model – they don’t gossip about or take advantage of each other, and 100% mind their own business. It’s wonderful. I sent her a get-well card and gift but I have no interest in renewing our friendship. – Cousin again
Cousin again: Thanks for the update, which connects important dots. It’s unlikely given the negative reinforcement from the family, but maybe she will grow up eventually, too, in the warmth of healthier influences.