Food wars sour this relationship
Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared June 15, 2007.
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I have been living together since the beginning of the year. We get along very well except for one issue, food. He prefers pizza, burgers, fried foods – not to mention the sausage, bacon, whole milk, real butter, eggs and full-fat cheese – and his idea of vegetables are potatoes and corn, with the very occasional Caesar salad.
I, on the other hand, prefer to eat healthier foods, and love a variety of ethnic foods. Additionally, I’m a great cook; My friends love my cooking, and it’s always been one of my great pleasures to cook for people. But every night, and all weekend long, we battle about what to eat. I don’t want us to have to prepare two meals every night, nor do I want to continue “compromising” by giving in to the temptation of eating badly with him.
I try to get as much ethnic food as I can when I am out with friends, but it’s not very often, and I’m sick of his complaining and lack of enthusiasm when I insist upon cooking something I want to eat. Not to mention, I care about his health! How can we figure this out? – Missing My Veggies
Missing My Veggies: Well, he could stop being a jerk.
Unfortunately, to say that out loud would be to succumb to my bias that anyone who has an accomplished cook standing ready to provide him healthy, interesting, lovingly home-prepared meals, and then complains about it, is indefensible.
So here’s my defense of this troglodyte: He can eat whatever he wants. Just because you’re on the side of the arterial angels here doesn’t give you license to manage the foods that he eats. You may care about his health, but, having been upfront about his unhealthy habits, he’s under no obligation to try to live better or longer for you. (Unless he goes on to have kids; then he’ll owe them a better effort, at least as long as they’re young.) He’s under no obligation to apologize for his taste.
He does owe you an apology, though, for whining about what you cook. Moping? In response to generosity? Is he in preschool? Home is a place to relax, but it’s not a place to relax common courtesy. If it’s your night to cook, it’s his night to be grateful. Period. Even if he declines without lifting a fork.
Since this is essentially a formula for separate meals, and since that’s clearly not what you want, here are two recipes for that sliver of middle ground.
First, hit the cooking sites and look for recipes you both might like, such as pizza alla farmers market, and making actual flavor optional in the form of sauces on the side.
Second, ask for a 30-day chance. See if he’ll give you one month of ungrudging effort to appreciate what you serve – beyond which you’ll leave him alone to his slop, without so much as an eye-roll.
In other words, offer him an openended gesture of love, in return for a closed-ended one. I think it’ll say a lot about his investment in being half of a grown-up pair, whether he’s willing to bite.