Is it OK to lose touch with grown daughter’s father?
Ask Carolyn
Hi, Carolyn: My ex-husband and I divorced six years ago, when our only child was 21. Our daughter is now 27, married, with a daughter of her own, which means I don’t have to co-parent with him at this point. I remarried a few years ago to a wonderful man who has an ex-wife and two adult children. My husband and his ex have a friendly, cordial relationship, and I like her as well.
I feel very strongly that I don’t want the same for my ex and myself. It was a terrible marriage. He used to text, email, and occasionally call for a few years, but I rarely hear from him now, and this is fine with me. My husband thinks it’s strange that we don’t communicate at all anymore.
I know I’ll probably have to be in the same room with him in the future, and that’s fine, but am I under any obligation to be in contact with him until then? I got a new cellphone number last year and did not bother to tell him. He tried to contact me recently and had to relay the message to our daughter since he could not get through.
Anonymous: I am reasonably confident the daughter who grew up amid her parents’ terrible marriage and launched her adulthood amid their divorce gave some thought to being her parents’ messenger pigeon recently, and decided she doesn’t wanna.
Your ex tried you once in roughly a year. Yes? That seems pretty respectful of your wish not to be a part of his life anymore.
But if you’re unhappy to have any frequency of calls above zero annually, and/or if the idea he can reach you at any time feels intolerable, then give your ex your husband’s number to use in case he needs to get in touch with you. Presumably your husband will consent to that, since he’s open to having your ex stay in touch.
Dear Carolyn: My partner has this habit of telling me everything their mother says about me. Now, they are putting their mom on speakerphone so that I can hear it firsthand and am told to deliver news this way. I got a new job offer that the partner wasn’t happy about; they called their mom, put her on speakerphone, and then said, “Go ahead, tell her your big news.”
I was honestly kinda taken aback. I asked, “Are you using your mom to do your dirty work of saying nasty, hurtful things to me?” They said no, of course not, they just thought it was important I heard what she said/thought. I’m at a loss, is this normal? – Phone Game
Phone Game: This seems like a good time for a reminder that something doesn’t have to be abnormal for you to dislike it. If it bothers you, then it bothers you. If you don’t want to take part, then you don’t have to take part (with the usual death-and-taxes exceptions).
As it happens, what your partner is doing is abusive – ambushing you, judging you, saying “nasty, hurtful things.” Even without the critical edge, though, it’s unhealthy. You have a relationship with your partner, one to one. Your partner has a relationship with their mom, one to one. You have a relationship with their mother, one to one. Such as it is.
Mostly this is about using their mom to talk to you. You nailed that yourself, they’re outsourcing the dirty work.
You have an important amount of control in this situation that can keep it from ever happening again: You can leave. If you think this is fixable and choose to stay, then you can merely opt out. Like this:
Partner [putting Ma on speaker]: “Go ahead, tell her your big news.”
You: “No, thanks” [leaving room].