Good listener tires of those who only talk
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I am a reasonable, even-tempered person who rarely angers because I can always see the other person’s point of view, even if I don’t agree with them. I have worked in bereavement counseling, in municipal politics, and have extensive experience with family members with mental health issues. I have a natural talent for listening, offer advice only if specifically asked (I actually say, “Do you want my advice, or are you asking to be heard?”), and become calmer the more upset the other person is.
In short, I have a ton of friends and family who call and love to chat about their problems – which until recently I have enjoyed. I hadn’t even noticed the complete lack of interest in my life.
I know I can ask them to ask me questions about my life, and I realize I have set a pattern where our relationship is not ever about me … but seriously, have they all been so shallow and I haven’t noticed? Or am I just depressed?
Obviously, it’s not really a question. I just wanted someone to see me.
– Am I Invisible?
Am I Invisible?: I’m sorry you’re stuck in a role. I really do think that’s what it is – kind of the way parents see grown kids as the children they were and not the adults they are. Habit. So it might be time to make some new connections, if you can. Or, tell your truth to someone you already know and trust not to fumble it.
Because of your pattern, of course, you will need to do this outreach with your own invisible asterisk – you don’t want to meet new people or be newly vulnerable to old ones only to connect with them the same way. This time, be mindful of listening skills. Theirs, not yours. Or just wear a garlic boa. Good luck.
Dear Carolyn: This grind is a bit much and there are so many things that are out of our control. Finding small ways to celebrate each day is so important to our mental health. Gratitude practice along with mindfulness, even in small doses, is one way to help us deal with the unknown. We have added a bit of gratitude at the end of dinner each night – “Dinner accomplished.” Everyone is then expected to add one thing they appreciate. Sometimes it’s just that we had fries for dinner.
– Grateful
Grateful: Thank you for the reminder. Not that the value of either, gratitude or fries, is what I would call obscure. In fact, I almost didn’t include your letter in the column today because it sometimes seems as if we’ve been bought out by Gratitude, Inc. – a sentiment well captured by a letter-writer at peak-pandemic. But with The Holidays hurtling at our windshields, I think it’s a message that bears repeating. Plus, it’s an excuse to link to Donna Britt - formerly a Washington Post columnist, some of you will remember – who wrote beautifully about mid-pandemic gratitude. (tinyurl.com/2p9wv3pw) The piece I linked to in the chat prompted someone to post her meditation from 1995 on normal days. (tinyurl.com/2hwran8p) Now it also serves as a ballad on the passage of time. Thank you, “Grateful,” again.