Tells homophobic jokes; has son who might be gay
Hello, Carolyn: I’m a married man with three wonderful kids and a wonderful wife. My great friend and business partner is a married man with two wonderful kids and a wonderful wife. He’s a fairly religious (but silent about it) kind of guy.
Over the years, my friend has gently acknowledged that some of my gay relatives are not eligible for an entry ticket to heaven. He’s not the least bit meanspirited about it. More like a sad acknowledgment we should “pray for them.” I’m not religious so his theological musing hasn’t bothered me.
It’s becoming abundantly clear this same friend’s oldest son, as he passes through puberty, is gay. My friend seems oblivious – and I believe he sincerely is. To everyone else, the child’s trajectory is fairly clear (although we could certainly all be mistaken).
Normally, I would stay out of this entirely. It’s not my business. But in my presence and the presence of his son – and wife and grandparents – my friend often will make gay jokes. For example, an older male friend and I often travel together. It’s purely platonic but when I return, the gay jokes come out – causing the family to titter. He uses “gay” as a common jab at many of our friends.
This in itself would not concern me – our circle of friends often makes irreverent jokes, although not in front of children. In this case, however, it is made in the presence of a child who is very, very likely facing the discovery of things about himself that his father might not be comfortable with – yet I can’t say, “Don’t be joking like that in front of your gay son.”
I do think his father will ultimately accept his son, regardless of his sexual orientation. However, it’s the potential damage being done to the child in the here-and-now that concerns me. I wonder if I should not mind my own business. – Wondering
Wondering: Yuk yuk yuk, the irreverent, “That’s so gay!” joke. Just, no.
And you ran right into why that’s a hard no, but you’re trying to call it something else.
It’s not because a-whoopsie-do!, one of the jokers might have a gay son! It’s because calling someone “gay” as an irreverent joke is not irreverent and it’s not a joke. It’s a relic from the Before Times when people worked so so hard to make excuses for why hate speech somehow wasn’t hate speech instead of just changing their speech.
What you’ve been doing is gross. If you believe people are equally entitled to dignity, then you won’t use demographics as slurs. That applies to “gay,” obviously, but also “like a girl,” or “dumb [ethnicity],” or “fat [whatever]” or the many many more. And if anyone complains about being thought-policed or similar, allow me to countercomplain about the limited imagination and facility with the utterly massive English language one must have to need these “jokes” in their lives. I came from that era and culture, too, and I got over it. So can you.
That is precisely where, why and how you “butt in” on behalf, not just a maybe-or-maybe-not-gay kid’s: “Hey. Stop. ‘Gay’ is for real human beings, not fossilized jokes.” Or, to use your words, “Don’t be joking like that.” Period. Without your “… in front of your gay son” qualifier, since what you’re really saying is, “… because one of ‘us’ might be one of ‘them,’” which morally isn’t worth spit. It’s right or it isn’t.
By the way – for a guy who is so insistent about distancing himself from homosexuality? Your friend sure seems to think about it. A lot.