Waiting to start a family
Ask Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: My wife and I were thinking of starting a family this year, but now for various reasons we agree that it’s not the right time. I am completely happy to wait until next year or even the year after. I do not feel any particular rush.
But she is visibly very sad and disappointed by our decision to wait. I hate seeing her this way. Can you suggest any ways to help make this waiting period a happier time for us both, or redirect some of her maternal feelings in a productive way? A pet would be the obvious choice but we are both allergic.
Maryland: It might be that she didn’t “agree” to this so much as she gave in to what seemed unavoidable – or what she knew you wanted. What choice did she have if she knew you weren’t 100%?
She also might just need time and space and sympathy to adjust.
So, it’s worth asking her specifically if this is just something she’s struggling to process – understandably – or if she has second thoughts about your decision.
To: Maryland: Please do not put even the gentlest pressure on your wife to be happier or to put her maternal feelings into something else. You mean well, but anything you might do or say in that direction would basically be telling her that her feelings are unimportant and that she shouldn’t feel the way she feels. Just because you’re happy to wait doesn’t mean that she does, will, or should feel that way. (Also, it’s perfectly OK for you to feel that way, and don’t forget that.) You cannot make someone else be you in how they react to things.
Instead of trying to fix how she feels, let her know that you see that she’s having a harder time than you are and ask her whether there is anything she would like you to do. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t, but don’t look for ideas from third parties when your wife is right in front of you and is the first person you should be asking.
Dear Carolyn: I have an infant, and I’m overwhelmed with all the unsolicited advice I’m getting from my relatives, inlaws, and friends who already have babies. I don’t believe I have all the answers myself, but my baby is happy and healthy, and I don’t understand what makes people think I’m just sitting around waiting to be given an itemized list of all the things I should be doing differently.
I know enough not to take it personally, but how do I stop it altogether (if such a thing is possible)?
Unsolicited Advisee: If you’re feeling blunt: “I know you mean well, but I am exhausted by unsolicited advice.”
If you want to send the message today and have them receive it via “duh” a day later: “Did you ever find a way to stop the flood of unsolicited advice? That’s actually one of the few things I dislike about being a parent.”
If you’re good at playing the long game: “Hm, I’ll keep that in mind.” Because eventually your kid will grow and all but the most determined advisers will stop telling you how to interact with your now-40-year-old and fall away to “help” someone else.