Decide: Stay or go with boyfriend
Dear Carolyn: My significant other got a job offer that would allow him to telework full-time, which means he no longer has to live in one of the most expensive cities in the United States. He has decided he’s going to move back to his hometown, where cost of living is much lower and he will eventually be able to buy a nice home, whereas here that’s just a fantasy.
He has asked me to think about moving with him. We’ve been together about 14 months. I have no idea how to begin making this decision. We have never lived together, and our plans for the future have been tentative at best.
If I move with him, then we will live together and likely end up getting married. He’ll be my entire social network at first, until I meet new people, and I will have to make some career changes.
But if he goes without me, I’ll regret it forever – and for the record, I too am tired of living in an overpriced city, shelling out endless rent.
It feels like such an all-or-nothing decision. He doesn’t have to wait for me – he is moving in a few weeks, and then I can either join him or not. He doesn’t want to break up, even if I stay, but I don’t know if I have the strength for a long-distance relationship right now.
So how do I start breaking down the facets of this decision?
– All or Nothing
All or Nothing: You don’t have to break down or decide anything.
It’s a decision between A and B. B involves moving, career-changing, accelerating your commitment to someone for reasons unrelated to your relationship – and A involves doing absolutely nothing different from what you’re doing now. So, easy – try A. Just stay where you are when he moves.
Then, see how you manage – and really try to manage, because that’s the only way this will work. You want the most useful idea of what life will be like longterm if you don’t go with him, and that means investing in your day-to-day life without him.
I realize this is a weird time to make the best of any living situation because options are still compromised, but the point is to immerse yourself in what you have, as-is.
If you lose the option of B just by waiting a few months, then maybe that’s an indication B wasn’t going to be the longterm answer, either.
But the time element matters here; neither of you can expect your hearts to hold on each other indefinitely. Staying where you are after he moves is merely an acknowledgment that this was going to be an experiment either way – one he initiated with his decision to move, obviously – and you’re just choosing the version of the experiment that doesn’t involve starting over from scratch. It’s OK to wait till you’re sure that’s what you want to do.
It’s also OK, by the way, to go anyway. You know better than I whether the conditions are right for taking a chance.
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