One wants 2 kids, the other 3
Ask Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: My spouse and I have two children, and that has been our plan. But I feel very strongly that I want a third. My husband is very happy with two but will ultimately “let” me decide. I am concerned with the long-term implications of this. Who decides?
Wondering: Do you trust your husband not to throw it in your face that “you” chose this, if you have a third child who presents a serious challenge?
If so, then you can also trust that he is comfortable with his decision to let you decide.
If instead you fear the first crisis will send him into a told-you-so spiral, then don’t have a third, even if he changes his mind – because you don’t trust him to have your back or own his own decisions, and that’s not the marriage to bring more children into.
Does that work?
(And if he tends not to have your back or own his decisions, then I hope you will shelve talk of more children immediately and talk about your marriage to a therapist instead.)
Re: Who decides?: If a third child introduces a serious challenge, how would you feel about it? Would you spend the rest of your life apologizing no matter what your husband says?
Dear Carolyn: My partner of 8-plus years and I got into a stupid argument two nights ago and haven’t talked since. The problem isn’t what we fight about; it’s how we fight. We stop talking, they get angry and sullen, and I become muted and sad, because I think it means a breakup is imminent. It’s hard for me to get through work and socialize when I have this gloom looming over me.
Therapy largely proved unsuccessful. I know we should try therapy again – but right now, in a moment of despair, how can I pull through? What should I be doing?
Sad: It’s been eight years, so I’m guessing a breakup is imminent?
It’s a small thing, but it’s more than enough material to change your thinking: “Ugh, I feel dread again that we’re going to break up. Experience tells me that won’t happen, though. So – what would I think, feel and do right now if I were sure we’d get through this without breaking up?”
I swear, sometimes we have to talk to ourselves like we’re children.
But it can be life-changing. Plus, it’s something you can do right now in your head. Try it.
By the way, you both have terrible emotional hygiene around your arguments – but you can only work on yours. Fear of breaking up in itself can ruin communication, because you’re always holding back or spinning things to sound better. If your relationship can’t withstand honesty, you’re better off on your own.
Re: Arguing: Ignore me if you already did this, but try different therapists until you find a good match. And remember that it’s going to take work. Someone I know said wryly to her significant other after a therapy session, “Look how we’re paying someone to make us feel worse.” But over time, the therapy helped enormously.