Is mocking a child abusive?
Adapted from an online discussion.
Hi Carolyn: What specifically counts as emotional abuse of kids? I’ve noticed a family member often mocking their children (under 10), yelling at one or more of them for something that wasn’t their fault, and maybe was a different kid’s fault. I worry about the kids and their self-esteem, etc., as they get older.
– Worried
Worried: Aw jeez.
Parents sometimes will make mistakes, like holding the wrong kid responsible for something. That’s hard on a kid, but a healthy parent will apologize after figuring out the problem, and both parent and child can be better for it if it becomes a way to learn frailty, humility and forgiveness.
When it involves laughing-at-notwith, or scapegoating, or venting/punishing because the parent is unhappy and the kid is a convenient dumping ground, then it crosses into abuse.
It’s when the child’s lack of power brings out an aggressive response in the parent instead of a protective one.
If this is what you’re witnessing, then please call Childhelp, 1-800-4-A-CHILD. It’s a nonprofit and calls are confidential.
Bystanders have a lot of power in situations involving abuse, both in defusing situations and setting an example, but it’s not always intuitive what that power is or how to use it.
Dear Carolyn: Am I the only one left in the world that ever uses the sentence, “I don’t know”? It seems like everyone thinks they are required to have an opinion on everything, and saying “I don’t know” is not an option. When will it be safe again to x, y, or z? I don’t know, not today, tomorrow doesn’t look good either. It’s OK to not know.
I don’t expect you to know the answer to any of this, I am just frustrated by the expectation to know, or the certainty with which those that can’t know assume they know. You know? – I Don’t Know
I Don’t Know: I know, right?
“I don’t know” is nothing short of liberating. It’s an admission of one’s limitations, so not everyone is going to embrace it – but, if you think about it, this is a wonderful time to recognize we can’t have it all figured out.
Dear Carolyn: What is the general, public, moral opinion toward somebody who has been separated for a long time and is in process of divorcing, actually dating somebody new? – Dating While Separated
Dating While Separated: Isn’t this a really good time to be skeptical of a “general, moral public opinion” toward anyone or anything? John Q. was spotted at an anti-vax rally and is decidedly not at his best.
Even in his best days, he’s going to say everything from, “Good for you, go find happiness!” to some spiteful gossip about your running around on your notquite-ex.
Figure out your own code, then live by it.
And count on the people who understand that relationships end when they end – which can be years before the paperwork says they do.