This Father’s Day, I’m thankful for how pandemic has changed my family
When my kids were little, I was a stay-at-home mom. As they got older, I went back to work on a freelance basis so I still spent much of my time with them. And when they got even older, I arranged my full-time work schedule so I could still be there when they weren’t at school.
My husband’s job was more traditional. He went to work early in the morning and came home around dinnertime. He prioritized being with our kids in his time outside of work, and has always been a loving, involved father.
But, because of the way we structured our work lives, I was the one who handled doctor appointments, the one who told my husband when he had to take time off to attend Christmas concerts, kindergarten graduations and school plays, the one who got the call from the school office when the kids spiked a fever or fell off the monkey bars.
When the pandemic happened, we all got to stay home. My husband took over the kids’ dentist appointments. When we decided we needed family therapy, my husband took the lead in finding a therapist and keeping track of our schedule. When our younger daughter started homeschooling, he handled half her subjects.
When our older daughter started sobbing in front of her laptop after a delayed reaction to the stress of studying for AP exams, he got to her side before I did.
And when our younger daughter came running into our house screaming that she saw a snake in the backyard, it was to his work-from-home desk she ran rather than mine.
After writing a Mother’s Day essay last month, I asked my colleagues — who are fathers — if anyone had plans to write a Father’s Day essay. They told me that Father’s Day isn’t as big a deal as Mother’s Day — and that that’s OK with them.
I think a big reason we treat Mother’s Day as a bigger deal than Father’s Day is that mothers are often the ones who interrupt their work to deal with the kids. And, because of that, we often act as though they are the long-suffering martyrs who deserve rest, relaxation and adoration on Mother’s Day, while fathers get maybe a barbecue or a baseball game (and even those are often more a celebration of summer weather than dads).
I’m not in any way advocating we stop adoring our mothers and giving them a well-deserved break on Mother’s Day. What I am arguing is that a lot of dads deserve a day of rest and relaxation too. I know mine does. And so does my husband.
And so do a lot of the dads I’ve talked to over the course of the pandemic — who have tried to figure out child care and schooling arrangements when there weren’t a lot of good options, who have looked out for their children’s mental health when it has felt like the world around them is collapsing, and who have just gotten to spend a lot more time with their kids than they did in the before-times.
When the pandemic first started, we were all looking for silver linings. A lot of us found them in the extra time we got to spend with our families, and with the slower pace of life we were forced into as our extracurricular activities were canceled. We got to know our loved ones better, and relationships were strengthened for many people I talked to — including lots of dads.
One dad told me he appreciated the opportunity to play a bigger part in his children’s education. Another learned that his work style and his son’s learning style were similar, so they enjoyed working side-by-side when they were both virtual. And another Milwaukee dad loved how often he got to see his daughter’s delightful (and surprisingly perceptive) personality as she provided her own commentary on each day’s news.
My husband had sometimes told me when our daughters were little that he envied all the time I got to spend with them. But, because of the pandemic, he’s spent just as much time with them as I have during their adolescence — a period of time we’ve come to discover is just as important as those early formative years in establishing their identities. He has had so many talks with them, and his relationship with them has deepened as he’s learned more about their personalities. My own relationship with him has deepened as we’ve come to rely on each other as partners and co-parents in a more complete way than we did before the pandemic.
Working from home has made it easier to do all these things my husband and many dads value so much. But the new priorities and the rediscovered values — those are things to hold onto even if we’re back in the office. Maybe that manifests itself in fewer activities outside the home, or more work-from-home days, or more frequent heart-toheart talks with loved ones.
There are a lot of pandemic-life things I want to go back to normal. But not our reprioritized way of life. And not the way we celebrate our parents. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day both deserve attention. Because all parents deserve to be recognized and appreciated.