Grandma offends stepson’s family over ‘hard’ grandchild
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married for 33 years and shared in the raising of five children, now all grown with families of their own. One of them, my stepson, was married 13 years ago and his wife and he are parents to a 13-year-old girl. Over the years I have tried to be a grandma to this girl and I have found it hard to do. Now that she is a teenager, it is becoming even harder and creating some family disputes. I am often called out on what I say to her. Last summer it became unbearable in some respects, and I told her and her mother that I believed they don’t like me. They left the house and I have not spoken to them since. As a family they have been invited to various birthdays, holidays, etc. They do not show up. It has become an issue of how we handle these sorts of situations, and I frankly don’t want to be involved in something where I will feel uncomfortable, knowing how they feel about me. I am not sure how to approach this situation. My husband wants me included.
Anonymous
Anonymous: Not to oversell myself or anything, but if I chose not to attend things because I knew someone there didn’t like me, then I would never leave my house. Is it uncomfortable sometimes? Very. Almost no one is universally liked. We all have to suck it up sometimes, even around some family members. You have even better reasons to than most. For one, you’re not just an adult – you’re an alpha adult here, sharing the top of the family pyramid with your husband. When the top of a family pyramid is involved in making a mess, that is where the primary responsibility lies in cleaning it up. This is for you to fix. Certainly you can’t ask a child to take the lead in setting things right. A young adolescent is nowhere near as equipped as her grandmother to make difficult social and emotional choices toward restoring family harmony. You can’t ask the girl’s mother to take the peacemaking lead; she has already made her own calculation that she needs to stand up to you to protect her girl. Your mouth formed the divisive words. So it’s on you to: recognize that a “hard” child isn’t a bad child. “Hard” just means there are challenges you haven’t seen before and require you to update your playbook. Admit you handled this conflict badly and paid more attention to your own wounded feelings than to what the girl needed from her grandma. Recognize that what’s done is done and this is now an uncomfortable situation – and that you are the best person for the job of meeting the discomfort head-on and getting through it. Understand you can prostrate yourself before them and they may still choose to hang onto their grudge. Best part of choosing to act with grace hereafter is that it works even if my understanding of this situation is completely wrong and unfair. Even if you were always kind and nonjudgmental with your granddaughter, you embraced her as-is, your frustrated outburst was a once-inher-lifetime exception – even with all of that, your best course is still to absorb the discomfort bravely and act kindly. On your own and your family’s behalf.