POLITICS

This cruise is exciting and new. Come aboard – these “entertainers” are expecting you.

WHEN NEWS BROKE in February that a weeklong Alaskan cruise featuring Gov. Scott Walker and his wife, Tonette, had been canceled, we at MilMag decided it was high time to sponsor a pleasure-boat ride of our own. So consider yourself cordially invited to join the first-ever “Milwaukee Talky” cruise, which will brave the Kinnickinnic River aboard the unsinkable, unswerving USS Reconciliation.

Highlights* include nightly cupcake-decorating competitions between Sheriff David Clarke – who agreed to leave his Stetson on shore in favor of a toque blanche – and his journalistic stalking horse, Journal Sentinel political columnist Dan Bice. Who can top his confections with just the right amount of powdered records requests and snowflake sprinkles? To offer a healthful alternative, the normally hard-bitten Ald. Bob Donovan will be running a juicer. Still not enough nosh for you? State Sen. Leah Vukmir (R-Brookfield) will demo spanakopita (aka spinach pie) for all aboard, be they Greek yayas or not.

To work off those stubborn calories in the ship’s weight room, join outdoorsman state Rep. Joel Kleefisch (R-Oconomowoc) and runner state Sen. Chris Larson (D-Milwaukee), whose spirited arguments will provide entertainment as you lift. (Please interject bad Hans and Franz impressions as needed.) U.S. House Speaker Paul Ryan will lead marathon training on deck each morning, sharing the secrets of his patented “conversion calculator.” Shave an hour or two off your best time without even having to run!

For each evening’s main course, Bartolotta Restaurant Group will deliver dazzling plates to your table via drones, and “Top Chef” Heather Terhune will hand out freshly imported, appropriately sized Chicago ice, which we guarantee is worth the price.

Insomnia? We’ve got you covered. Milwaukee County Executive Chris

Abele will be performing

Shakespearean monologues throughout the night.