Crumpled friendship can be smoothed out
DEAR AMY » I am a single male in my early 30s. After law school, I met “Judith,” and we became best friends. Judith and I were both competitive athletes in the same sport, the same age, and knew some of the same people.
The friendship was always strictly platonic. Honestly, I considered her my best friend.
We had a falling-out over something quite petty, on its face: After a fun party weekend in the mountains, I felt compelled to ask her (and her boyfriend) to pay for part of the lodging expenses. It really wasn’t about the actual money, but I couldn’t help but to feel used. It embarrassed me to ask her to contribute after the fact, when I had assumed that they would step up without asking.
Anyway, the resulting (text) conversation we had was insulting.
She brought up topics from the past that were completely unrelated and out of line. I felt hurt and betrayed.
This happened over a year ago. She has reached out multiple times to apologize and try to mend fences. For the most part I do not respond.
Most recently, she reached out to ask if I considered the friendship permanently over. She wanted to invite me to her engagement party. I do think her attempts to reconcile have been genuine and she understands that she was in the wrong regarding our falling-out.
The thing is, I don’t want to be friends with her. I feel like once the paper is crumpled up, it can’t be perfect again.
I can forgive her for the petty argument, but I will never forget how it made me feel. The way I view her as a person has been forever altered.
Do I need to rethink my approach regarding friendship? Am I wrong to think it’s fine to move on from friendships when they prove to be broken beyond repair, regardless of all the positive memories associated with the friendship during an important period of life?
DEAR DISORIENTED » Ina perfect world, we would never need to smooth out a piece of crumpled paper in order to reread what’s written upon it; we wouldn’t need to accept an apology; we would never face the necessity of forgiving someone.
However, the world is not perfect. No one’s story (yours included) can be read on pristine paper.
I think it’s possible that “Judith” has changed. She is being honest, contrite, and apologetic. She is extending a hand. You have firmly anchored to your disappointment. I wonder if this is the kind of person you want to be.
In short, yes, I do think you need to rethink your approach to friendship (this one, and perhaps others, as well).
This re-evaluation doesn’t mean that you must re-enter Judith’s life, but most disappointments offer opportunities for growth. Judith may have grown. Have you?