Ugly and aggressive beneficiary behavior

Q

: I think you should warn families about something that happened in our family and I have heard it happening in other families, as well. My dad died first and then a couple of years later my mom died. At the time of my mom's death, my sister was staying with Mom. My sister removed all kinds of family jewelry, photographs and other personal things from the house before my brother and I even arrived for the funeral! Mom and Dad wanted their personal property distributed equally among the three of us. We asked our sister to bring everything back and she, of course, refused. My brother and I are still angry and hurt about her actions and this happened over 10 years ago!

A

: I appreciate your bringing this up and yes, unfortunately, it happens with some frequency. Many wills and trusts provide that personal property be “equally distributed to the beneficiaries as they shall agree.” The documents often go on to state that if there is a disagreement about this equal distribution, the trustee or executor should help with the equal distribution.

Unlike monetary assets, the personal property of our loved ones often carries two kinds of value, monetary and emotional. For example, part of the personal property I received from my mom is a smallish, handmade breadbasket she got when I was a small girl and we were living in Thailand. Through the years this basket would hold rolls and such and be used at most family dinners. Recently I used the basket at an office lunch and, to my dismay, forgot to bring it home. I was surprised at how upset I was until I got the little basket back in my hands! The basket is not worth anything monetarily, but has huge value to me, emotionally.

The emotional attachment many of us have to things can make jewelry, art and other personal

property extremely important, sometimes more important than the monetary part of an estate. What your sister did was a huge “no-no.”

Because the distribution of personal property is often a flashpoint in estate administration, many professional trustees will immediately “secure” the decedent's residence. This means not having family in the house (unescorted) after the death and changing the locks. This way, all beneficiaries can be treated fairly and equally when the time comes to divvy up the personal property in the home — without any pieces going missing!

Actions like your sister's can have lifelong repercussions on family relationships. Additionally, it is just ugly and aggressive behavior at a time when kindness should be given. Unfortunately, most of us have seen sibling relationships devolve after the death of parents. There is often a shift in the dynamics between “the kids.” With the parents gone, some siblings feel the freedom to right all the wrongs they perceive happened throughout their lives. No longer are Dad and Mom in the picture to tell them to “knock it off!” I once asked a psychologist if there was a name for this shift in dynamics and the resulting aggressive behavior among siblings. He said, “No.” and then with a smile added, “But we all know it happens!”

Keeping all this in mind, whoever oversees the distribution of our parents' estates should be ready to safeguard not just the assets that have monetary value, but all family property until proper distribution can be made. Liza Horvath has over 30 years of experience in the estate planning and trust fields and is a licensed professional fiduciary. Liza currently serves as president of Monterey Trust Management. This is not intended to be legal or tax advice. If you have a question, call (831) 646-5262 or email liza@ montereytrust.com