Man wrapped up in his world has little to give

DEARABBY » My husband and I have been married for 30 years. He has always been self-centered. We have discussed this over the years, and it hasn’t changed his disposition. I bought him an “It’s All About me” coffee cup years ago as a joke, and he enjoys using it!

We both have office jobs and day-to-day issues and problems with our employees and co-workers. If we talk on the phone at lunch or over dinner, he describes his daily issues in excruciating detail, looking for my feedback/input and then moves on. There is never a time I can update him on my issues and get his input to help with mine because he’s too busy thinking about his issues.

He cares deeply about our adult children, but doesn’t give them input on their issues either. If I don’t remind him about the challenges (i.e., buying a newcar, looking for a newjob, etc.) they want our advice on, he would never reach out to them to assist. I amnot sure if this is a personality trait I must live with or if you have some ideas to improve this situation.

— All About Him

DEAR ALL ABOUT HIM » Has it occurred to you that in some areas your husband may be less self-centered than an empty vessel? He may not help you with your daily issues because he doesn’t have the answers.

Assuming you have talked to him about this until you are blue in the face, the next time he asks for your input, youmight consider being less helpful. Or, beat himto the punch and tell him about your problems before he has a chance to tell you the ones he is having.

As to your adult children, they should go directly to their father when they seek his advice.

DEARABBY » I have a dear friend I’ve known for 25 years and I consider to be family. We recently had a falling-out because I set some boundaries I feel are necessary for my own wellness as I grow intomy 40s. The boundaries revolve around disrespectful or belittling speech.

My friend is gay and excuses the disrespect as the way his community speaks among themselves. He often calls me the b-word in fun, as well as similar names. I have told him it hurts me, but he refuses to acknowledge it, dismissing it as “you know, since high school that’s how we talk.” He might show some restraint at times, but when he’s drinking, he reverts back to making cruel or hurtful comments.

I am now a single mother, looking to grow and evolve into a better person, rebuild my selfesteem and possibly find a partner in life, but my friend keeps pulling me back into a dark place every time we speak. What can I do?

— Boundaries Set

in California

DEAR BOUNDARIES » Maintain your boundaries by leaving his presence if he uses that language.

Oh, and one more thing: When you know he’s been drinking, avoid him.