Datingwidower wants to leave past in the past
DEARABBY » I’m
35 and have been a widower for almost five years. I began dating about two years ago.
In my adventures of dating I have encountered a lot of divorced moms.
I met someone very special (I’ll call her Rose) a year and a half ago. She’s great. We share lots of laughs and goals, but she does something that drives me crazy. She’s constantly showing me Facebook memories/photos of her daughter when she was young.
I never got the chance to have children and rarely bring upmy past because I feel that’s behindme. Rose’s ex is “toxic,” according to her, and fromwhat I’ve witnessed, he’s pretty bad.
I can’t relate, and I don’t care for her daughter. Does that make me a jerk? Am I wrong?
— Unparent
Outwest
DEARUNPARENT » If you plan to continue a relationship with Rose, you are going to have to deal with your feelings about her daughter, some of which may be off base. It is important that you communicate to her the connection youmake when you see those photos. The quickest way to work this through would be couples counseling. If your description of the girl is accurate, then realize that as long as she’s a minor, she will be a presence in your household.
DEARABBY » “Ron,” the guy my best friend, “Stella,” is seeing, is a manipulator. My mother was a pro at manipulating and gaslighting, something I recognized after going to therapy as an adult. I know it when I see it.
Amonth ago, I told Stella what I have observed, and it has escalated to the point that I told her I no longer want to be around him. Ron, who is 40, throws tantrums and threatens to leave when he doesn’t get what he wants.
The last time I sawhim was at a dinner Stella hosted. I left early after he threw another tantrum. Ron textedme an “apology” that did not address his behavior that night, but something else that happened a week ago. He then tried to guilt-trip me by saying my walking out hurt our friends and that he would stop hanging around because he didn’t want them to be hurt like that.
I haven’t responded to Ron’s “apology” and haven’t seen him since. Must I accept his apology so everything goes back to how it was, or not see my friend until he is out of her life?
— Not a Fan ofhim
DEARNOTAFAN » You don’t “have” to accept Ron’s apology any more than you have to accept any other unappetizing “gift” that is offered. But don’t stop seeing Stella. From what you have written, she needs a levelheaded friend right now. If Ron acts up again in your presence, leave if he makes you uncomfortable. Andwhile you’re at it, tell Stella the reason and ask — woman to woman — why she tolerates his childish threats.