All I want for Christmas are COVID-19 mandates

Have you played that new COVID Gotcha game?

It’s fun for the whole family! Here’s how it works: One player announces he’s going to do something involving some risk of COVID-19 exposure.

Then, another player pounces with an example of a far less risky thing the first player adamantly argued against just hours before.

• You’re letting Elphaba spend the weekend, even though we agreed Glinda couldn’t come over to watch basketball unless she quarantines first?

• You’re going for a maskless jog with Olaf? But you just said I shouldn’t meet Kristoff for dinner, even if it’s outdoors in a strong wind!

And so on. The player who identifies the greatest inconsistency wins!

Just kidding: There are no winners. The game ends when someone leaves to check the internet for clear and incontrovertible covid behavior guidelines and never returns.

That’s where we are as 2020 comes to a close. We argue endlessly about relative risk - indoors sitting far apart vs. outdoors huddled around a fire; six feet vs. 15 - but, since we’re human, the real, unspoken debate is about relative reward. Is it really too risky to drink eggnog on the in-laws’ porch on Christmas Eve, or is it just that you don’t want to spend a cold evening with your husband’s mother - no matter how safely? Is there any good excuse for your daughter not to quarantine after she comes home from abroad, or is it just that the idea of stowing her in the basement for a week makes you want to cry?

Keeping each other honest and fact-based could be considered a positive family activity, I guess, if we could keep our voices down. But why are we even arguing about our personal covid protocols? Why don’t we just follow the rules?

Because we, like most Americans, have been left to regulate ourselves.

The federal government is giving us mixed messages, to put it mildly. Even their official health guidelines have loopholes (see “Options to Reduce Quarantine”) and defer to local authorities for the “final decisions.” Meanwhile, those local authorities struggle on without federal aid. New York’s Albany County, where I live, is probably doing the best it can, but it’s still relying too much on residents to play COVID Gotcha on their own. “I’m begging you,” said the county executive, just before Thanksgiving. “By doing the right thing, we can get out of this.”

We did not. At the same time, the state government is adding to the confusion. According to Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s original plan, all of New York should be shut down again at our current rate of spread, but when the numbers were headed fast toward another widespread “pause,” Cuomo, D, simply changed the plan.

To Cuomo’s credit, he’s honest about the balance between reward and risk - “the last thing that anybody wants is a shut down” - but he’s still leaving it to us to police ourselves. “New Yorkers are smart, I think they’re going to learn from Thanksgiving, and I think you’ll see a smarter response through the holidays.”

Hang on a minute while I go check the internet for evidence of people getting smarter.

There’s hope in the vaccines and in the change of president. But the next administration should refrain from pinning too much hope on us. President-elect Joe Biden has said that the moment he takes office, he will ask people to wear a mask for 100 days. Sure, ask. But also, please, mandate masks in public indoor spaces and enforce that mandate. Close the places where we gather indoors against our (or our families’) better judgment. Compensate the businesses that have to close. Pay workers to stay home if they have covid symptoms. Make testing easy, fast and free. Restrict gatherings and travel and enforce those restrictions.

In other words, make us behave as though we are still in the midst of a massive public health crisis in which thousands of Americans are dying every day.

I’m tired of playing the game. All I want for Christmas is the rules.