New Haven Register (New Haven, CT)
‘Allow people to speak ... in their own words’
8 years after Sandy Hook, families remember loved ones in individual ways
NEWTOWN — On a day when the veil is thinnest between life and that tragic December morning in 2012, observances here are subdued — in part because of COVID-19 restrictions, and in part because of a growing understanding that people need to grieve individually.
The last thing Newtown wants on the most solemn day of its calendar is to keep families from honoring their loved ones in their own way.
“There’s no going back to the way it was before,” said Daniel Krauss, the chairman of a group advising the town about a me
community,” tweeted NelAfter several starts and ba Marquez-Greene, whose stops to find the right site daughter Ana Grace was for the memorial, and to slain in the 2012 shooting. settle on a design that
“It’s honoring and reeveryone could agree on spectful to allow people to and that Newtown could speak for themselves. In afford, the matter is exmorial for the 20 firsttheir own words.” pected to go before voters graders and six educators In Newtown, respecting in a referendum in April. slain at Sandy Hook Elethe varieties of grief has If Newtowners approve, mentary School. “It imtraditionally meant no construction could begin pacted everybody – and town-wide observance on on a multimillion-dollar how it impacted them the anniversary, in favor memorial in a remote depends on the person, so of a moment of silence meadow not far from the we need to respect where and encouragement from new Sandy Hook School, people are in their grief.” Town Hall to reflect priand be complete by the
Families of loss have vately at home or in 10th anniversary in 2022. been saying as much since church. But this year, The memorial design, the tragedy sent shock because of concerns about which features a “sacred waves across the country the coronavirus, there will sycamore” in a reflecting eight years ago, but it took also be no large anniversapool encircled by the a peer-reviewed study of ry Mass for VIPs and the names of the slain chil15 Sandy Hook families public at the town’s only dren and their educators, published this summer to Catholic church. Instead, relies on nature to nurture underscore the point: there will be two smaller the visitor. grouping together the 26 morning Masses, and a The town has come this families as though all private evening Mass with close to a consensus largetheir grief is the same the traditional reading of ly because the group enmakes the trauma worse. the victims’ names. trusted with championing
It’s a message some Furthermore, instead of The 8th anniversary of the memorial was encourfamilies find themselves a traditional interfaith the worst crime in Conaged to take as much time emphasizing more on soprayer service, the annual necticut history comes at a as it needed. The voluncial media this time of ceremony will be time when Newtown has teer group includes memyear. livestreamed online. never been closer to a bers of three families that
“Did you know that no The irony is that alfinal design to memorilost a child in the shooting.onegrouprepresentsallthoughtheCOVID-19alize26victimsofthe
families? Not even in one restrictions are having the Sandy Hook shooting. Patience continues to be desired effect of keeping VIPs and the media out of Newtown on the rawest day of the year, the pandemic is also straining and changing life in profound ways over the holidays – such as preventing travel for those families that cope with the anniversary by getting out of Newtown.
“We are trying to move through this difficult time personally, although we also understand so many people are devastated and hurting and deeply affected by the pandemic,” said Mark Barden, who lost a son in the 2012 school shooting. “It’s hard to wallow in our own grief, but this is the first time we have been home for the holidays since Daniel was with us.”
‘It’s not over’
a driving principle of wellness in Newtown, particularly in the face of a culture that often rushes recovery in a bid to outflank grief.
“It’s not over for a lot of people,” Krauss said of the tragedy. “I don’t think it will ever be over for anybody.”
Tricia Pinto, a member of the memorial advisory group who also serves as victim care coordinator for Newtown’s Center for Support and Wellness, said the heaviness-of-heart that’s been part of her life since her son Jack was killed in the Sandy Hook shooting is hard to explain to people who’ve never experienced that kind of pain.
But there she was trying to explain the pain after her older son and the Newtown High football team had just won the state title with a dramatic, walk-off touchdown exactly one year ago today, on the 7th anniversary of the Sandy Hook shooting.
“It’s always so difficult to explain what it feels like to hold grief in your heart while celebrating these precious moments,” Pinto told reporters after the elation of the victory was spent. “To be honest, as the weekend came and went, we’re just missing Jack.”
In the end, a day that’s ingrained in the national memory is every day for families of loss.
Difficult as it is to suffer grief as intense as the day the tragedy happened, Barden said he can’t imagine coping without the support of family and friends in Newtown.
“Our family is our primary source of strength, and we have a close circle of friends – some of whom we knew before the tragedy and some who we have built relationships with since the tragedy,” Barden said. “Our personal experience has been our family and this community has wrapped its arms around us and lifted us up.”