Boy pulls away as a result of mom’s abuse, negativity

Dear Annie:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. While maintaining separate homes, we spend the majority of our days and evenings together. I have three children and get along very well with my exhusband and his girlfriend. My boyfriend has a son, “Tommy.”

The problem is that my boyfriend’s ex-wife creates conflict and difficulties for him.

She is remarried to the man she left him for, and though my boyfriend accepted him in time, she continues to make things difficult for everyone. In fact, she goes around talking about both of us, telling people that he is not involved with Tommy and doesn’t pay for anything, which is not true.

Recently, my son came to us and said Tommy told him that my boyfriend hates Tommy

and lied about several things. I assume this is likely because Tommy constantly hears negative things about his dad and was seeking attention. We often talk with Tommy about the challenges his mom presents. We have put him in counseling to help him cope. But, recently, Tommy has been asking to stay with his mom more and more, and we believe she is seeking full custody.

My boyfriend is sick over this, as we’ve tried very hard to provide a more positive environment for Tommy. This hasn’t been easy. Things with her are always an issue, whether it is clothing Tommy has there versus here, or me helping with homework. Tommy is pulling away, and it’s not only extremely hurtful to my boyfriend; we worry about the negativity he constantly encounters in his mother’s home. What more can we do? Wanting What’s Best for

Everyone

Dear Wanting:

My heart goes out to Tommy. Your boyfriend should have an honest conversation with his ex about his concerns. If she is seeking custody, he might want to seek legal counsel. The only thing you can do is be supportive and loving to

Tommy. Never bad-mouth his mother, and practice the good old-fashioned rule that if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all. Tommy might be pulling away for now, but continue to show him unconditional love.