Reader disappointed by siblings’ treatment of stepmom

Dear Annie: I come from a large family. Our mother died at a young age (39), and there were seven children at that time. Years later, our father married a woman with three children. One of our sisters lived with our mother’s parents until their deaths. Eventually, our father and stepmother had a child. The child living with our grandparents was apparently jealous of our stepmother and has shown it every step of the way. We all got along accept for her.

After our father died, two stepbrothers learned that they were only half brothers and had different fathers. Our stepmother had it rough with her first husband. He was mentally abusive to her, and she searched for support from others. Our stepmother forgot about the possibility of someone else being her son’s biological father, especially since the oldest one looks like his father.

Since this information came out, my sister-in-law and sister have been putting down our stepmom. Apparently, they don’t consider the fact that she married a man with seven children, with three of her own, and another on top of that. Two of our father’s kids were ill and have since died. This woman went through a lot. Why can’t they just move on instead of being disrespectful?

Sad Life in PA

Dear Sad: You sound like a person who has perspective, someone able to see life not just in black and white but in shades of gray, which it is. People are rarely all good or all bad, but judgments are formed by us viewing them that way. It sounds like your sister-in-law and sister, by putting on their judge’s robes and saying hurtful things about your stepmom, are stuck in this “all bad” type of thinking.

Your compassionate approach of seeing her as a woman who went through a lot in her life and who made some mistakes, as we all do, is very healthy. This same attitude also goes for judging your sister and sister-in-law.

By bringing compassion to your conversations with them, they, too, might find some in their hearts for your stepmom. Simply share that you don’t feel right saying mean things about your stepmom, given all that she went through in her life.