Writer gazes at stars to chart a Gwyn-ing course for her life
Rachel Bertsche decided she wanted Jennifer Aniston’s s body, Gwyneth Paltrow’s culinary flair, Sarah Jessica Parker’s ’s look and Jennifer Garner’s marital bliss.
So the Hastings-onHudson native did what any self-unrespecting writer would do: She copied.
“I made celebrity-envy work for me,” says Bertsche, who turned her obsession into a sort-of self-help book, “Jennifer, Gwyneth & Me: The Pursuit of Happiness, One Celebrity at a Time” (Ballantine). “I realized that I was unconsciously trying to take tips from the stars anyway, so I decided to try to emulate the qualities I envied most in each woman ... to become a better version of myself.”
The quest for celebrity self-fulfillment began, like so many things, in the shower. “I remember thinking, ‘If only I had Jennifer Aniston’s arms,’” laughs the 32-year-old.
But the full extent of her self-loathing wasn’t driven home until she was laid off by Oprah. com in 2012 and found herself, like many writers, sitting at home all day working, “sometimes in my pajamas until 4 p.m. with the lights off.”
As a writer and Internet junkie — an earlier quest for self-improvement res sulted in the book “MWF S Seeking BFF” — she was s spending a lot of time onl line, never a good thing for t the unemployed.
“I was inundated with im images of celebrities,” said t the Fieldston grad and form mer East Village resident, w who now lives in Chicago. “A “At first they made me feel b bad about myself. But with a healthy sense of distance, ce celebrities can inspire you to be the best version of yo yourself.”
So what did she learn from the likes of Paltrow and other divas? Oh, so much:
CELEBS WHO DIDN’T HELP
Jennifer Aniston
To get the Aniston body, Bertsche downloaded a workout by the star’s yoga teacher, Mandy Ingber, and cooked from “The Family Chef,” by Jewels and Jill Elmore, the star’s personal cooks.
After a month of intense workouts and stewing up a whole lot of kale, she was fit, but bored.
“I needed a break and decided even Jennifer mus t have days when she goes on a Twizzler binge,” Bertsche says.
Gwyneth Paltrow
Next, Bertsche stocked her kitchen with the 86 foods that Paltrow decreed essential in her cookbook, “My Father’s Daughter.” She
ge turned out beautiful meals like 10-hour chicken and Chinese duck, but ran into a problem: “Everything took so much time. . It was too much to cook like Gwyneth,” laughs Bertsche.
Tina Fey
Bertsche read an interview that described how the “30 Rock” writer and star works all the time, even putting in late-night writing sessions when her children are asleep. So Bertsche took a notebook everywhere and scribbled story ideas as they popped up. She decided to make work a priority, writing whenever she could.
But Fey’s work-any-momentyou-can-into-the-wee-hours didn’t work for her. “On the days when I feel like a failure because I didn’t write for all the hours I resolved to, I have to ask myself: Why am I trying to work until 1 a.m.,” she writes.
Julia Roberts
Roberts had said in an interview that she embraced meditation and didn’t even know what Facebook was. And she said she feels grateful for everything she’s been given. It sounded all too Paltrowish, but it motivated Bertsche.
First, she started meditating at home and d checking out Facebook. ok. She tried to con- sciously feel el grateful, but ut finally decided that serenity is an internal gift and can’t be forced. She hated meditation and enjoyed Facebook cebook too much. She did find being consciously grateful useful, but who can keep it up? “Despite daily meditation, I’m having plenty of trouble remaining calm or focused,” she writes.
Jessica Alba
Alba’s self-help book, “The Honest Life: Living Naturally and True to You,” detailed her natural, toxinf free lifestyle. Bertsche also noticed in pictures that Alba l looked glorious in both her p pregnancies — and Bertsche h herself was carrying.
So she started using org ganic products and other Alba re recommendations, like “water and prenatal yoga.” She copied how Alba dressed during pr pregnancy, not trying to hide th the bump, and followed her advic vice to “listen to your cravings.”
But there was a major problem. “She craved fruits and vegetables. I craved chocolate and French fries,” says Bertsche, who gave birth to daughter Maggie last year.
CELEBS WHO HELPED
Jennifer Garner
Bertsche read in an interview how Garner embraced husband Ben Affleck’s love of baseball, and even learned to share her husband’s passion for the (insert groan in agony) New England Patriots as part of a “relationship-boosting” plan.
“In all my research about Jennifer Garner, the thing I’m most struck by is just how kindly y she talks about her husband,” Berts Bertsche wrote. So ins instead of joking at her husban band Matt’s expense w when they s socialized, Bertsche decided to be more o openly affectionate and even interested in spo sports. “Jennifer Garner has done do what nobody before her could. She turned me into a football fan.” And all the game-time nuzzling was nice, the writer adds.
Sarah Jessica Parker
Bertsche admired SJP’s fashion sense, so instead of sitting around in sweats, she made a point each day of pulling together an innovative outfit.
“She’s inspired me to get dressed in the morning and to put some effort into looking nice, even if I’m only running errands,” she writes.
On “Sex and the City,” Bertsche recalled an opening featuring Parker’s character in a tutu, so she wore a tutu.
People noticed — in a good way. “No one looked at me like I was crazy,” she says. “And I loved it.”