ORANGE MEN ALL AROUND

Orange is the new white.

Sure Donald started the white-man-goneorange-craze by bronzing his face into a whole new race of human, a grooming act of terrorism so catastrophic that the National Guard should be called in. Then the Democratic National Convention opened, and a panicked nation discovered that we had a pandemic on our hands: the dreaded Pumpkinhead disease had spread left.

But if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then a frighteningly overwhelming proportion of Dem men have joined Trump’s race, if not his race.

Everybody loves to make fun of The Donald’s crazy orange skin (not to mention his hair, which is now a shade God never intended for living things), but the media (including social media) has conveniently ignored Bill Clinton’s horrifying change from pasty white to burnt orange. In fact, we were praying his speech would run past midnight so we could witness the first man on national TV turning into a pumpkin and growing wheels.

Then there was the billionaire-in-shoe-lifts, Mike Bloomberg. Bloombucks was so finely bronzed, he looked like a third-place medal.

Finally there was Joe Biden of the Miracle Grow hair, whose conversion from white man to gourd can vary from a subtle shade of squash to full-on Cheetos.

So next time people start making fun of Hillary’s hair, style and pastel pantsuits, just scream, “Orange Alert!”