IT’S A SIGN
Ssstrange days as NASA adds the snake-handler to zodiac
IF YOU’VE been freaking out that a 13th zodiac sign changes everything about who you are, what your life means and how you’ll survive on this godforsaken planet, you’re not alone.
News that NASA updated astrological signs for the first time since Babylonians devised them some 3,000 years ago rocked everyone’s world. Even casual zodiac followers have flown off the handle and gotten all, well, Scorpio-like. The recognition of Ophiuchus, the snake-handler — that 13th sign — only added to the chaos.
But NASA had reasons for renovations. The night sky today doesn’t look like it did three millennia ago, the Earth’s axis has changed and Ophiuchus was originally omitted for neatness’ sake. It’s always been there.
But before you rush out to CVS to get a new zodiac mug and key ring — or to Tats “R” Us to get that Leo-inspired tramp stamp removed — take a deep breath.
“These recent events don’t change anything,” Anne Ortelee of the American Federation of Astrologists told the Daily News. “Astrologists have known about this 13th sign all along.” She explains that “Western astrology looks at the sun’s path on the face of the Earth, while other astrologers look at where our solar system is in the galaxy — and that’s what’s shifted.”
OK, then.
Bottom line: relax.
“The funny thing,” Ortelee said, “is that everybody’s gotten nervous except people who are Cancers. That’s because the shift would mean that they turn into funloving Geminis. Don’t worry. You’re still yourself.”
Space cadets at NASA said pretty much the same thing, but in a different way by noting that astronomy and astrology are different.
“We didn’t change any zodiac signs,” NASA noted, “we just did the math.”