Our nation of jerks can turn the corner

It’s their fault, not mine. That’s what most people say about the rude, selfish and disrespectful behavior that plagues so much of modern life — and that may well be especially apparent on the average New York City subway ride.

After spending a decade tracking the growing pile of research on such bad behavior, I believe that this self-serving bias is a big part of the problem. If we each were more adept at recognizing and accepting when we’ve treated others like dirt, and at stifling our destructive words and deeds, we just might create more civilized workplaces, public gatherings and PTA meetings; fewer nervewracking experiences on the trains, planes and buses that we ride; and — I know it’s stretch — more respectful (or at least less insulting) discourse on the web.

This is a tall order. When people act like jerks, they resist admitting it to themselves or anyone else. We human beings are remarkably clueless about our flaws, and when we do admit our shortcomings, we routinely underestimate their severity and negative impact.

Dozens of studies conducted and inspired by psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger show that poor performers are especially prone to delusions: They overestimate their talents, including logical reasoning, grammar, humor, debating, interviewing, management and emotional skills. The weaker their skills, including interpersonal skills, the more that people exaggerate them in their own minds.

The upshot is, if you want to find out if someone is a jerk, they are the worst person to ask.

But there is hope. As Columbia University psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson shows, the key to self-awareness isn’t found inside our heads; it’s in discovering and accepting how others see us — even when it hurts.

That doesn’t mean calling out strangers who refuse to move into the middle of the car or to give up their seats for pregnant women. It means listening to those who actually know us and care about us.

The people in our lives tend to agree with each other about how we’ve acted in the past and probably will act in the future. Their judgments are usually far more accurate than our own.

The key is finding people who know you, who you trust to act in your best interests and who won’t sugarcoat the truth — then seek candid feedback from them.

This is tricky, because those who know us best usually feel a responsibility to support us, not to deliver rude awakenings.

The bearer of bad news could be a co-worker, a mentor or a trusted friend. My Stanford colleague Huggy Rao observes that people with accurate senses of self often have a spouse or partner who informs them when they’ve been a bully or idiot — even when friends, colleagues and followers, on twitter or otherwise, are afraid to deliver them the bad news.

For Winston Churchill, his wife Clementine played this role. In June 1940, the news about World War II was getting worse and worse for the United Kingdom. Churchill was taking out his angst on his staff. Clementine wrote him on June 27: “One of the men in your entourage (a devoted friend) has been to me and told me that there is a danger of your being generally disliked by your colleagues and subordinates because of your rough sarcastic and overbearing manner.”

Clementine added, “My Darling Winston — I must confess that I have noticed a deterioration in your manner; and you are not so kind as you used to be” and then advised, “With this terrific power you must combine urbanity, kindness and if possible Olympic calm.” In other words, Clementine was urging Winston to stifle his inner jerk.

I am not naïve enough to believe that armies of truth-tellers or any other solution alone are enough to slow or reverse the tide of demeaning and disrespectful behavior in America today.

But I also know that social systems can and do change for better. And it happens when one member after another changes how they act and think, and in turn, pressures others to follow their lead.

We ought to start by pressing one another to be quicker to label ourselves as rude, disrespectful, and selfish; and to be slower to label others as such. By recognizing and reversing our own cruelty, and holding others accountable to do the same, who knows, the world just might become a kinder place.