HANDS OFF OUR COOKIES

The Boy Scouts, a group that made the Catholic Church look forthcoming about child sexual abuse in its ranks, has decided to allow girls to join. Good plan! Since the Girl Scouts has done such a horrible job of not having any scandals, while empowering girls to be anything they want to be and teaching them entrepreneurship within the safe confines of a single-gender organization, it makes perfect sense to instead have girls join a scandal-wracked boys’ organization.

If you remember, the Boy Scouts of America secretly kept files on thousands (yes, thousands) of scoutmasters and volunteers who’d been accused of sexual abuse and violence against children since — get this — 1947. Even though those who’d been caught had been dismissed, some kept returning like bad pennies and pedophile priests.

So of course why not send girls to those camps?

And while we’re at it, why shouldn’t girls quit the Girl Scouts altogether — an organization that by girl power earns $700 million per year on cookie sales alone — to join the Boy Scouts, an organization that sells small $20 bags of popcorn that taste like they were bagged when Buddha was a baby?

In case you were wondering how much influence the Girl Scouts have on America, it’s not much. Well, other than every female astronaut who’s ever flown into space was a Girl Scout, as were the first female major-party presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, 76% of all female U.S. senators, and four of the six female governors.

So yes, let’s encourage all girls to quit the Girl Scouts and join the Boy Scouts, because hey girls, if you can’t sell cookies, you can still serve them. You go girls!