GOSPEL OF THE $100G JOHN

Wondering what to get that special someone this Black Friday to kick off your white Christmas? Well, just ask yourself: What would Jesus like for HIS 2,018th birthday?

Here then, my personal top three Jesus-approved musthave gifts from the world of holiday catalogs. In descending order: No. 3: Millions for the Pour. The Neiman Marcus holiday catalog is offering the once-in-a-lifetime chance to treat 300 of your closest friends to a New Year’s Eve rooftop private bash — next year — at The Knickerbocker hotel in Times Square. Cost? A mere $1,600,000. (Yes, that’s million). Personally, you couldn’t give me a million six to be anywhere NEAR freezing Times Square on New Year’s Eve. I’ve made it a personal goal to never be trapped in a crowd of a million tourists in reindeer antlers. No. 2: Gold Toilet. Tradesy.com is featuring a must-have gold-plated Louis Vuitton leather-covered toilet seat for just $100,000. Air freshener not included. Wait. So THAT’S why the wise men brought gold, frankincense and myrrh — for the toilet of the future? No. 1: Firearms. The appropriately named Dick’s stores are not just having a Black Friday firearms sale, but the chain’s more than 715 stores will open on Thanksgiving from 6 p.m. to 2 a.m. to give shooters an excuse to leave family dinners to shop semiautomatic weapons.

But just how appropriate is giving a gun to celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace? Verrry. Guns & Ammo’s gift guide says, “After all, it’s the season of giving, and you don’t want to get caught giving your favorite shooter a pack of socks or Starbucks gift card. That would be wrong … just wrong.”

You bet. Remember, the family that slays together stays together.