HERE’S WHAT WE WANT TO WATCH
With live sports on pause, we offer alternative programming
You love sports talk shows? You adore those earnest sports documentaries and those overly-familiar replays of classic games? Then you are about to experience broadcast heaven.
But if you are like me, you want to see live, newsmaking sports events. Live anything. Live soccer from Turkey. Live luge qualification runs from Switzerland. Live preseason baseball games that end in ties.
I want to see stuff happening as it happens, because I never know. Maybe something weird or wonderful will take place. Then I can call a friend, make her feel bad that she was foolishly living life, and wasn’t sitting in front of the television set at the correct moment.
Unfortunately, live sports events are on hiatus, because COVID-19 is not just something you might hear an NFL quarterback shout behind center. It is a nasty, dangerous virus, and it has forced the world to postpone a million things.
Sports, frankly, are far less important than schooling and working. But they are an emotional escape hatch, and would come in very handy right about now when many of us are stuck inside, anxious. Instead, ESPN, TNT and ABC will need to fill more than 100 NBA windows, set NBA regular season games; CBS will lose its billion-dollar baby, the men’s NCAA tournament. Virtually all live programming will dry up over the next few days, disappearing indefinitely.
Some of the major broadcast networks have plenty of entertainment options. But many cable networks are in more desperate need of filler. Talk shows will have increasingly little to talk about. SportsCenter will have no Sports, only a Center.
So, in the public interest, here are some programming ideas that might prove very entertaining:
Fox Sports: “Playing Through.” Donald Trump plays golf. In the greater interest of the nation, at such a difficult time, it behooves our president to make his rounds public. This way, we can all see, finally, whether he improves his lies, or simply lies. He is paired with Patrick Reed.
ESPN: “Pardon the Ignorance.” Unqualified athletes and officials talk about complicated, non-sports issues. Odell Beckham Jr. speaks on the Syrian refugee problem. Aaron Boone is asked about the next move by the Fed Reserve. LeBron James comments on future missions to Mars.
MSG: “Live, with Jim Dolan.” The Knick owner takes calls from viewers and cuts them off after their first three words. We all know those first three words.
YES: “Why They Stink.” Yankees talk about the Mets. Yankee players analyze the Mets’ chances this season, and critique the Amazins, position by position.
SNY: “No, Why They Stink.” Mets talk about the Yankees. Met players get even with the Bombers for everything they just said on YES.
ESPN2: “True Confessions.” Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and the Houston Astros are paid considerable money to tell the ugly truths about their recent past. Alex Rodriguez
is the self-righteous moderator.
Big Ten Network: “Not Even Close.” Replays of Rutgers’ worst football defeats, with use of super-slo-mo on fumbles and penalties for too many men on the field. Fiscal analysis by economists on how much the athletic program is costing students in annual fees and tuition. Guest appearance by Greg Schiano’s personal accountant.
SNY: “Wise Investing.” The Wilpons discuss how to navigate this volatile period in the market, and describe exactly how to avoid selling your assets by insisting on maintaining control after the sale.
Tennis Channel: “Connors vs. Krickstein, Live.” Instead of replaying the 1991 U.S. Open quarterfinal for the umpteenth time, Connors and Krickstein face each other live. Yes, they already staged a tennis reunion five years ago, but on this occasion they are required to stay on the court for the full four hours, 41 minutes.
YES: “Recovery Road.” The Yankee strength and training staff offers tips on how to rehab those nagging injuries that keep you away from your workplace, or from hitting 40 home runs. Also: How to avoid giving specific recovery timetables.
ESPN+: “Ping-Pongpalooza.” Live, from somebody’s basement, a family table-tennis tournament. Winner doesn’t have to wash the dishes tonight.
Fox Sports: “Cross-Bronx Expressway Two-Miler.” After NASCAR shuts down, Joey Logano, Alex Bowman and Denny Hamlin race to the George Washington Bridge during rush hour. The race is scheduled for a two-hour time slot, with possible over-runs on getaway Fridays.
And, yes, I would watch all that.