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Nine predictions for team that plays for first time in 9 months

The Nets have the national attention, the starpower, the enigmatic sage-burning point guard and a 7-foot sniper who is entering the battle like Achilles in Troy. “Hectoorrrrrrr.” Except they don’t have New York. It’s still a Knicks Town, no matter how many times they lose or get passed over by TNT or ESPN. The frustrating fandom is passed down from parents to their children, and perhaps the dynamic in NYC will change soon since there are now 21-yearolds who’ve been alive for one — yes ONE — Knicks playoff series victory. But it hasn’t yet. Check the local TV ratings. The local pageviews. The ticket sales. Whatever metric you want to use. There are either a lot of eternally hopefuls or gluttons for punishment in the Tri-State area. Spike Lee is emblematic of the fanbase. He’s from Brooklyn, he hates James Dolan, he “looks stupid” for spending loads of money on the Knicks, he watched a hero get dragged out of MSG in handcuffs and he’s never going to root for the Nets.

“My love for the orange and blue overrides everything else,” he said in June.

In other words, there’s still a volcano waiting to erupt. It only takes two weeks of a Jeremy Lin, or two months of a Kristaps Porzingis, or, perhaps, a new identity under coach Tom Thibodeau, to rile up the masses.

Which brings us to the 2020-21 Knicks. Team president Leon Rose didn’t do his coach any favors by punting free agency. It’s a standard rebuilding roster, the third youngest in the NBA and without a single player in his 30s.

On the surface, it’s just another long wait for upgrades, while the noisy neighbors across the Manhattan Bridge gear up for a two-year run at the title. But Thibodeau at least provides a sense of urgency and pressure, rather than just the “patience” philosophy pushed by all the previous coaches and executives trying to keep their jobs.

Since we’ve already dissected and evaluated the rosters and storylines ad nauseum (the Knicks haven’t played a meaningful game in NINE MONTHS!), this is more of a lighthearted preview with 9 (in honor of the quarantine) mostly unserious predictions:

I will have to wear pants again

Nine months of sweats and basketball shorts. Zoom calls were business on top, comfort on the bottom. The Knicks helped extend this streak by not allowing media into MSG for preseason, but soon I’ll have to ditch the glorious assurance of an elastic waistband.

Tom

Thibodeau

will

break at least three masks

There are clear problems with it fitting over his ear, and that’s probably where the breaks will occur. But I do wonder if it’s possible to shout a hole through the mask. If anybody can, it’s Baritone Thibs when he’s trying to “guide” the referees.

William Wesley will never be captured on camera

Every story on the influential/shadowy Knicks exec is accompanied with the same two stock photos of him on the phone or holding back Ron Artest during the Malice of the Palace. We’re starting to wonder if W.W.W. is a social construct.

Mike Woodson goatee will shave

his

Try showing me a cleaner goatee than Mike Woodson’s. You can’t. It’s lined with an magnetic leveler and an X-Acto knife. But to truly move on from 2020, we have to let go of something we love.

James Dolan will not allow Kyrie Irving to burn sage at MSG

There are too many bad spirits to cleanse at MSG, anyway. The sage, just like Phil Jackson’s Zen, is no match.

James Harden will punt the ball into the empty MSG stands

Didn’t this happen in “Eddie”? I’m not sure because I’m existing in a movie haze after this pandemic. Regardless, this has to happen with no fans. It’s the only chance for an ejected player to send the ball from the upper deck to the mezzanine to the lower bowl, and for Clyde to say, “He’s grunting and punting, folks.”

Kentucky Knicks will have a better season than the Kentucky Wildcats

Cheating with this prediction because the Wildcats are already 1-5, but, in the spirit of John Calipari, I’ll worry about my wins being vacated after the victory lap.

The Knicks will win 25 games

Serious prediction. That doesn’t seem like much but you also have to consider it’s a shortened 72-game season and the Knicks don’t have much talent. If they get to 30 games, which is certainly possible, Thibodeau will have secured the team’s highest winning percentage since 2013-14.

The Knicks will at least try to make a blockbuster trade

Again, serious prediction. The Knicks have roughly $18 million in cap space and the 2021 free agent class is reduced to weak after all the offseason contract extensions. They desperately need a star and the best avenue is via trade. The big question is who will become available. In the meantime, let’s get the games going.