Dr. Fauci’s 2021 chatter forecast

America’s most famous M.D. provides a look at conversation in the 12 months ahead. March As warmer weather sets in, expect a severe downturn in COVID talk and a stark uptick in talk about vaccines: How to get one, who deserves one, and why could 21-year-old Marla from apartment 3G get one if she can’t even figure out how to start a sourdough?

April

As the flowers bloom, we’ll see a resurgence of the mask-shaming that was so prevalent at the start of the pandemic. People will either completely stop wearing masks in public (howdy, Texas!), or will do that half-mast-mask thing where it’s unclear whether it covers their noses. Major metropolises, especially on the coasts, will see spurts of strangers yelling at “maskholes,” hoping to recapture that smug superiority they had during the pandemic, believing they were more cautious than everyone else…

May

Although COVID-19 does almost as well in the headlines as Donald Trump (okay, half as well), expect a downturn in news reports and conversation about the pandemic as people realize summer is almost upon us and how the hell are they going to lose all that sourdough weight? (Wait, those things have calories?)

June

Expect about 60% of the population to be vaccinated, so people will begin to congregate and focus their gossip on who isn’t getting vaccinated: Your neighbor who is “just waiting to see how things pan out;” your yoga teacher who thinks the mRNA vaccine is altering her DNA; and your favorite Insta-influencer, who seemed to have gotten a Ph.D. in virology during the pandemic, while waiting for her sourdough starter to start.

July

Yes, people will still be talking knowledgeably about various new strains of COVID-19, throwing around virus names like B.1.1.7, B.1.351 and P.1, as if they hadn’t just memorized the list from Refinery29, but the focus will once again resume to Vacation Envy: watching who is flying where and in whose private plane and wondering how they can afford it, if they were taking unemployment?

August

Expect COVID-19 to disappear completely from conversation by the end of summer, as people have begun to travel and see other people and actually have something new to talk about besides bread. Except for the introverts, who are still hiding out inside, baking and eating, baking and eating, more afraid of social interaction than any stupid plague.

September

By early fall, expect very little coronavirus conversation because everything will be open again — bars, gyms, churches, dog grooming spas, that copy place on Main St. that has way better prices than Kinkos. Everything will be open except schools, that is. Moms will still be talking about the pandemic, but who cares? They’re just moms.

October

Like pumpkin lattes, COVID conversation will return, but just for Halloween…in the form of costumes: Expect to see costumes of sexy nurses, sexy viruses and sexy Anthony Fauccis (heeeyyy!). Sexy Cuomos (Andrew or Chris) likely will not be prevalent. First prize will go to anyone who can pull off a sexy sourdough starter.

November

By the holiday season, we’ll see a steep decline in COVID chatter as people will have all but forgotten their lofty pandemic promises: How they would never, ever be spiteful or hold onto any grudges, and they would appreciate Every. Single. Moment. Of. Being. Alive. Pshaw! Nobody wants to go to their in-laws for the holidays, and that’s final!

December

As we wind down 2021, prepare for virus talk to take a turn for the nostalgic: We’ll hear a swell of nostalgia arrive, with people waxing poetic about the good ol’ days in lockdown, when they could spend oh-so-much quality time with their loved ones — somehow forgetting how they might have resorted to cannibalism if it hadn’t been for the bread. (They might get over COVID, but they never got over the bread!)

January

In 2022, expect COVID discussions to remain fully in the mouths of virologists and epidemiologists — real epidemiologists, not your friend who took my MasterClass. Expect a downturn in the following conversations: whose classes people are taking on Peloton (what the heck is a peloton anyway?!), what they’re watching on Netflix (there’s nothing left!), how to get a Zoom virtual background, and what bread they’re baking. No one is cooking at home anymore. Or staying at home anymore, for that matter. No matter how big their mansion, they’re sick of it. (No offense, Christine, honey!)

February

A new batch of children are being born who will have never known lockdown, quarantine, COVID-19, SARS-cov-2 or the difference between them. Most people will stop talking about COVID for good, but will be left wondering why their children are anxious, addicted to video games, afraid of all in-person people, and have an odd affinity for sourdough sandwiches.

Klein is the author of The Trying Game: Get Through Fertility Treatment and Get Pregnant Without Losing Your Mind. @AmyDKlein