YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE SOOTH!
Bondy sees no end to NYC’s sports struggles
We continue to suffer many variants and mutations of losing in New York: Knicks… Mets… Giants... Jets… Islanders… Devils… Defeat is infectious here, with cases mounting by the month.
The Rangers have won only one title in the last 82 years. The Jets are on a 53-year losing streak. The Mets have been sub-.500 in 10 of their last 13 seasons. The Knicks are the Knicks. Yes, a shiny new MLS Cup brightens our trophy case — but let’s not get carried away. NYCFC is ranked 445th in the world among international soccer clubs by footballdatabase.com.
So, I get it. You could use some good news, some glory. You are hoping, just this once, I will gaze into my frighteningly accurate crystal ball and predict a modicum of success in 2022.
Well, that’s not happening. I will never lie to you readers, or soften the blows. Get ready to walk the dog around the block, yet again, during the fourth quarters of local football games. Prepare to condemn another Met general manager by midseason. I’m sorry, but there will be no late April for the Knicks.
You will hate just about every sports event and news item in 2022 — here, there, and everywhere. But really, I think you already knew that.
The gruesome details:
JANUARY
Kyrie Irving gets vaccinated against shingles. “I’m inoculated!” he says. Still can’t play home games.
MLB commissioner Rob Manfred is locked out of his Manhattan office when he loses his keys. Everyone, except Manfred, thinks this is very ironic.
Aaron Rodgers gets in a car accident and is not covered by insurance. “If anyone misunderstood me in those ads, I apologize,” he says, in an interview with Joe Rogan.
Giants lose final two games. Joe Judge says Jake Fromm will start 2022 season as No. 1 quarterback, but “Daniel Jones will get his shot.”
Owner John Mara fires the entire front office, including himself. “I’m looking to hire a new owner with fresh ideas,” he says.
FEBRUARY
Billy Eppler is still not permitted to make player trades, but he sends Mr. Met to Cincinnati in a straight deal for Mr. Redlegs. “Their heads are similar,” Eppler says. “But we wanted the bigger cap and the Reds needed the cap space.”
Teenage skiing sensation Matej Svancer from Austria soars too high during the Olympic freestyle “big air” competition, exiting Earth’s gravitational field. He is never seen again.
Chinese Olympic Committee incorporates table tennis into alpine, hockey and figure-skating events, taking lead in the medals table. Seat fillers applaud.
Dr. Dre, Mary J. Blige and Kendrick Lamar sit out Super Bowl halftime show due to COVID protocols. Dr. Fauci performs “Omicron Rap” in their stead. Paul Rand storms out of the stadium in protest.
Bucs win Super Bowl again, over New England. Tom Brady slips the grasp of many would-be sackers. It is later discovered, however, that Brady, Gronk and the football were all holograms. “I taught him that!” fumes Bill Belichick.
MARCH
Kyrie gets rabies vaccine at veterinary clinic. Still can’t play in Brooklyn.
U.S. men qualify for the World Cup in Qatar and wonder where Qatar is. They are not too sure they want to go there.
Mets’ replacement players lose home opener to Washington, 1511, when Buck Showalter lets Matt Harvey face the Nats’ lineup a third time. Showalter blames Harvey’s facial hair.
College athletes begin to cash in on new endorsement rules. Limu Emu is replaced by Duke’s Paolo
Banchero.
APRIL
Women are freezing at their Final Four in Minneapolis while men party in New Orleans. NCAA says gender equity is top priority, but men needed a warmer, more festive place because they dunk more.
At Masters, Bryson DeChambeau misses critical four-foot putt on 18th green because his latest, elongated putter shaft is shaped like a banana.
Jets trade Zach Wilson and draft another quarterback in the first round. “Why not?” says the guy who replaced Joe Douglas as GM. “You throw enough mud at the wall, somebody’s bound to complete a pass.”
MAY
Knicks finish 10th in the lottery. Jim Dolan sues Ping-Pong ball manufacturers and the Daily News.
Mets’ replacement team is swept by Marlins’ replacement team. Derek Jeter goes three-for-five for Florida in the final game, with two errors. “Same old Derek,” says Alex Rodriguez, now playing for the Yankees.
Islanders evicted from new UBS Arena after yet another losing streak. “Their owners didn’t read the fine print,” says Sterling Equities exec. “We’ll wait for an expansion team.”
JUNE
Suns beat Nets in the seventh game of the NBA Finals. Kyrie says he won’t play basketball next season unless Paul McCartney finally admits he is dead and the U.S. government turns over evidence of flying-saucer crash in 1947.
John Stockton and Eric Clapton agree with everything Irving just said.
Bleacher Creatures give up on Roll Call of replacement players. “I don’t even recognize the guy in right field,” says Statman. “How am I supposed to keep score?”
JULY
Serena Williams returns to Wimbledon as a spectator, hoping to sit in the royal box next to Kate. She gets stuck with Pippa.
Daniel Snyder asks the Nashville Predators if his Washington Football Team can borrow the nickname. “We’re such a better fit,” he says.
Rangers lose Game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals. Promotions staff begins planning more ceremonies next season to retire the jerseys of Todd Marchant, Mattias Norstrom, and Doug Lidster from the 1993-94 team.
DeChambeau and Brooks Koepka are spotted having a grand old time together at a Scottish pub, after a round at the British Open. “Guess we cashed in on that one, mate,” Koepka says.
AUGUST
Yankees’ replacement players run away with the American League East. Hal Steinbrenner assigns them jersey numbers one through 25. “The guy in center field, what’s-his-name, reminds me a lot of Mickey Mantle,” Steinbrenner says.
Donald Trump reports he shot 59 on his course in Bedminster. “If you don’t believe me, ask my partners,” he says, after a round with Patrick Reed and Mark Meadows.
Buck Showalter declares shifts are for sissies. Mets lose, 12-8. Daily News headline: “NOT OK, BOOMER.”
SEPTEMBER
Novak Djokovic wins his 21st major title at the U.S. Open and salutes the crowd with his four-corner ritual. Unfortunately, there are no fans in Ashe Stadium due to COVID, so he looks kind of ridiculous.
Daniel Jones plays his first game in almost a year, but doesn’t quite make it out of bounds. Tim Tebow will start at quarterback for the remainder of Giants’ season.
After showing tremendous promise in his recovery, Tiger Woods drives golf cart 60 miles per hour into a bunker.
OCTOBER
Latest Jet placekicker nails boot through wrong uprights for an “own” field goal. “I have no idea,” says rules specialist Mike Pereira.
Rutgers loses, 93-6, at Ohio State, holding Buckeyes to double digits with a dramatic goal-line stand. Coach Greg Schiano snaps at reporter when asked why he went for two, instead of the extra point, late in the third quarter.
Yankee replacement players win the franchise’s 28th championship behind the pitching of Bartolo Colon and the offense of A-Rod. Positive drug tests have been replaced by negative, replacement drug tests.
Venus Williams, 42, announces she is not retiring, and will never retire. Also, she has some new fashion designs she wants to show you. And a new movie.
NOVEMBER
At urging of Dolan, Knicks acquire Kyrie. “He has some good ideas,” Dolan says. “Like raising ticket prices for the vaccinated.”
American men are knocked out of World Cup in the first round. U.S. Soccer gives them bigger bonuses than the champion women’s team because, “The men went all the way to Qatar even though they just wanted to practice with their club teams.” Another lawsuit arrives in the mail.
MLB and players association finally agree on a CBA and will play two seasons, 324 games, in 2023. Daily doubleheaders will feature five-inning games. Ties will be broken by number of hits, minus number of errors. Second tiebreaker is number of walks. Third tiebreaker is which uniform is favored by fans in national poll.
St. Louis Cardinals suggested that last tiebreaker.
Yankees’ 28th title is voided. Hal Steinbrenner demands replacement players return jerseys.
DECEMBER
England wins first World Cup since 1966. Millions of Londoners celebrate in streets, alongside hundreds of hopeful COVID variants.
Giants and Jets have a combined record of 3-21, but there is real hope for future: They have won two of their last 14.
NYCFC captures second straight MLS Cup and asks for ticker-tape parade in Manhattan. Mayor Adams agrees to shut down Eleventh Avenue, between 49th and 50th Streets, for twenty minutes. Team is responsible for confetti cleanup. aron Judge changes his name to Aaron Magistrate so he won’t be confused with Joe Judge in headlines.
Filip Bondy predicts terrible things for 2023.
A