Secret agent’s secret message
Dear Taylor (or should I call you Agent Swift): This is an encrypted update on Operation Control America, the nefarious plot to force voters to back Joe Biden over Donald Trump in the 2024 election. You may not have heard me laugh menacingly as I typed that last sentence, but I promise you I did.
As you well know, young women like you are increasingly progressive and overwhelmingly prochoice and far, far likelier to vote Democratic. But to those of us in the Deep State, this wasn’t enough. We knew we needed to do more — to put them under a trance in November. Knowing that your stardom has given you a powerful hold over these women, we enlisted you in the most elaborate clandestine op concocted since that CIA robot killed Kennedy. Oops, did I say that out loud?
We introduced you to Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce last summer at your Eras Tour show at Arrowhead Stadium. As has been well documented, Kelce’s initial attempt to get your attention, facilitated by a DARPA brain implant, didn’t succeed — forcing him to ask friends to connect you. Agent Swift, thank you for engaging in this critical bit of misdirection; it almost made it look as though the relationship hadn’t been engineered by unseen government forces.
Once you became a couple and “fell for one another,” the plot could proceed in earnest. Kelce is from Ohio; you are from Pennsylvania, and came up through Nashville. You are both seemingly selfmade phenomena with large fan bases appealing to the broad American middle. Exactly as planned, you were ideally positioned to enlist your fembot army against the One True Threat.
Of course, one other thing needed to happen: To maximize your exposure, we needed to ensure Kelce’s team made it to the Super Bowl. This required the use of an experimental invisible beam that can move footballs. Thus, the Bills field goal went wide right (even we in the Deep State have a sense of humor). To ensure a win over the Ravens, we put a few of those more implants in the brains of officials. Yes, we had leftovers.
Agent Swift: Please await further instructions for the the operation’s next phase, precisely when and how to ensure your minions, who have already registered to vote in large numbers due to your instructions, will vote for Biden under real and false names, at the polls and illegally by mail. These details will either arrive through the current channel or via a cyborg bald eagle perched outside your window. Look for him; his name is Doug.
I don’t know why I’ve written this all down. I just couldn’t contain my pride, like when villain in the Bond movie explains his evil plans as our hero hangs above the pool where sharks circle. There is a risk that if it falls into the wrong hands, it will expose our brilliant and elaborate plans to deny Donald Trump, the rightful leader of America, a second presidential term.
I just want to say thanks. I don’t need to do that — you’re doing this because we made you — but I want to.
As always, burn after reading.
Director of the Agency of Delusional Conspiracies