The Best Sex, Ranked
below, the “sex diaries” that blew up our group texts, inspired an internet conspiracy or two, and still make us blush all these years later, ranked from tamest to wildest.
10. The Married Swinger at a Weeklong Sex Party in Jamaica (2022)
1 a.m. We catch up with the San Francisco couple, and the four of us make our way to the nude side. The hot tub is always packed at night.
S pulls me into the grotto space behind the waterfall between the pool and the hot tub. F and A don’t follow, but A gives me the thumbs-up.
9. The Italian Wife Juggling Work and Sex (2015)
8 a.m. We haven’t had sex in a while, which for two Italians is like torture of the worst kind. But life gets in the way—my husband is having child-support issues with his ex-wife, and I am trying for a big promotion at work since I have my own kids with my own ex. We’re both overemotional people, so stress can get the better of us.
8. The Family Man Attending a Sex Party With His Wife (2017)
11 p.m. The room clears out until it’s just the four of us. We will call these two Niki and Carlos. They seem more passionate and a bit slower, as opposed to being into heavy banging. Niki is feeling Jax’s large tits; we are all getting naked. Soon enough, we are banging our own spouses side by side.
7. The Designer Hooking Up in the Steam Room (2018)
4:30 p.m. There’s a young guy in there. He flashes me a look and subtly adjusts his junk through his towel. That’s the signal that he’s down to play. I respond, and we start jerking off together, then he leans over and starts blowing me. Half the excitement is knowing we could get caught any minute if someone walks in, and I come in his mouth pretty quickly. He nods in appreciation, gives me a wink, and leaves.
6. The Scientist Playing With Her Four-Person Polycule (2019)
12:30 a.m. Glad I remembered to change the sheets earlier! After going through all the details and getting mutual consent, we’ve all stripped down and P is standing beside N with his hands cupping her breasts and the biggest, dopiest grin on his face while D and I crop her butt and thighs. Later, D fingers her, then we tie her to the bed (with the restraints I conveniently left out before), and I can’t resist—I jump in and go down on her, much to D’s and P’s surprise.
5. The Novelist Who Always Ghosts After the Third Date (2022)
11:20 a.m. One of the girls I always see at Pilates, Clementine, asks if I want to hang out sometime. She calls herself a writer too (no comment). I know how things will play out with Clem. We’ll have a great night. She’ll be charming, and I’ll be brooding, and then we’ll fuck, and it will be … fine. Then Clem will want to see more of me, and I’ll have to blow her off, and it’s going to get very awkward.
4. The 50-YearOld in Her Hottest Relationship Yet (2019)
1:43 p.m. J texts me. (Our code for “I love you” is “143.”) We’ve been dating for five years—we met on a dating site while we were both in the middle of divorces, each of us sleeping in separate bedrooms from our spouses for over a year. He’s 64 but in great shape, and meeting him was like, Yeah. He’s the guy I’ve been waiting for my whole life.
3. The Woman Who Wants Group Sex for Her Birthday (2019)
6:30 p.m. We order pizza, and Ace grabs the “strapless” strap-on for Sophie and me to play with together. Then time for my “birthday present.” Joe leads Sophie from the bathroom. They just staged a midplay costume change, and I couldn’t be more excited. She’s wearing incredible harness lingerie complete with a choker and leash.
2. The Pet Groomer Who Thinks She’s Probably a Sex Addict (2019)
2:30 p.m. It’s been about ten years of constant sex with inappropriate men. Usually they are much, much older. A few have been married. Today, a guy from the town over is texting about hanging out tonight. We usually get high, fuck, and then I go home. It’s both a completely empty and a completely intoxicating experience. I tell him I’ll go home, shower, and be there by 8 p.m.
1. The Woman Whose Husband Is Sleeping With Her Best Friend (2020)
8:40 p.m. Adam decides to kill the mood by mentioning that my best friend, Lana, and her boyfriend, Mason, have invited us around later this week for a game night. He doesn’t know that I know that he’s been having an affair with Lana for three out of the five years we’ve been married.