A CRY FOR ATTENTION
Women are announcing their decision not to have kids — but still want the gifts and other perks that come with them
THE restaurant’s candlelight played on the faces of Amy Smith’s closest friends and family members. Smiling at her husband, Smith clinked her glass. “We have an announcement to make . . . ” she said, her voice dropping.
“We’re having a vasectomy!” her husband announced, laughing and kissing his wife as the child-free couple’s nearest and dearest began clapping.
Child-free announcements, where individuals announce the status of their reproductive organs, are creeping into Instagram feeds, e-mail inboxes and, yes, even Saturdayevening plans. “Cats, Not Brats” helium balloons are a popular purchase on CafePress, while vasectomy cakes are growing in popularity on Pinterest. Last year, a photo shoot depicting a couple cradling their puppy as if it were a child went viral — proving that naval-gazing knows no bounds.
“Women are always asked when they’re having kids. It’s invasive, and it’s also really uncomfortable, especially if it’s never part of the plan,” says Smith, a 37-year-old Orange County, Calif., resident on her reasoning for hosting the vasectomy dinner with her husband. “It can be frustrating to have the same conversation over and over again, so why not just take ownership of the decision and celebrate it?”
In our special-snowflake society, a nonevent like not having a baby has increasingly become a moment worthy of “likes,” accolades and even presents. Look at me — I’m not having a baby/ getting married/having a housewarm- ing party! Much like the selfie, it’s another attention-seeking statement that thrives on social media.
“Our society is all about celebrating traditional milestones. You graduate, you get married, you have a child. But that’s a very narrow path and isn’t indicative of many people’s experiences,” says Amy Blackstone, Ph.D., who blogs about the child-free-by-choice movement at Were Not Having A Baby .com. (Yes, an announcement about the birth of the blog was sent out to friends and families.) “So why not decide to celebrate your choice to not have a child?”
But if the real problem is our society’s fixation with traditional milestones, why do some feel the need to trumpet every personal life choice as if they’re equally deserving of praise?
East Harlem resident Marie Assante, the 33-year-old owner of Assante PR agency, never wanted kids, so she couldn’t resist posting a “birth announcement” last week — when she purchased a new car. “After nine months of hard labor I’m excited to welcome Stormy Sonata into my family of one. She came home at 5:44 p.m. and weighs 3,460 pounds,” Assante wrote.
“The labor part refers to the fact I’ve had my own agency for nine months,” Assante says. The fundamental question skeptics may have when they see a gleaming hunk of metal in lieu of a doe-eyed newborn: Is anything comparable to the miracle of life?
Ciara Pressler says yes. The 37-yearold business strategist and entrepreneur who recently relocated from Brooklyn to Portland, Ore., does not currently want children, but finds herself constantly using birth like metaphors to describe her work. She’s a business “midwife,” and a “nanny” to ideas, so, of course, it makes sense that her latest business venture is introduced by a Saturday afternoon shower — complete with an Amazon.com registry link on the invitation.
And while the registry link may recall the iconic “Sex and the City” episode “A Woman’s Right to Shoes,” in which Carrie Bradshaw “registers” for Manolo Blahniks after her pair goes missing during a baby shower, Pressler insists she’s not kidding.
“I’ve been to loads of baby showers, and I’m always happy to contribute,” says Pressler. “But, much like a baby, this is something I’ve poured a lot of energy, time and attention into, and I recognize some people may want to acknowledge that in a material way. And if they do, I’d prefer a paper shredder over a Girl Boss mug or a bottle of wine. I want something I can use.”